Hi Friends!
I am finally on Christmas Break. Whew! Made it through a busy semester. Habits weren't great, and I pulled more all-nighters than I care to admit, but the semester is done, and now I am in the lovely season of Christmas Break, where there is rest from the busy school routine, ambition to read everything I cannot during the school year, opportunities to reconnect with friends that I haven't talked to in months (some years!), and many other things.
Yet most important, I feel, is the chance to simply breathe. To just sit, and be.
To be fair, there is still a decent amount of busyness, as I'm always "that guy" that saves his Christmas shopping to the December 20's, as well as learning music and the many rehearsals for Christmas Eve services at church, extended family Christmases, and even a fun skiing trip with the family. (And I've already spent 5 days out west with my sister visiting extended family, skiing, and visiting a seminary!)
Then, you add on preparing for next semester, planning my new routine with a new class schedule, and beginning to think about how I am going to fit seminary visits, applications, and scholarship essays into all of that. Oh yeah, and the Immersion trip I'm co-leading for Spring Break.
Hmm. Almost seems like breathing is the last thing I'm going to be able to do.
And yet, up to this point, Break has been so good in terms of rest and breathing. And within the space to just breathe, I've begun to finally start reflecting on a lot of things that I haven't been able to do in a long time (...hence the whole super inactive blog thing). It has been really good to have space to simply sit, think, and just be, and finally reflect on a pretty ridiculous year. Seriously...SO much has happened in 2011, it's insane. I mean, that's true every year...but the more I have been thinking about this last year, the more I realize that so much has happened, a lot of which has had a pretty significant impact on me.
So, here is my commitment to continue this reflection...to take thoughts that have been swirling round and round, and to put them down into paragraphs, sentences, words, characters...to organize what is chaotic and disordered, and to straighten them out into something that flows, that someone logical could follow, and in a way that I can start making even more connections. To Reflect.
Hopefully, this will help me stay semi-consistent with this blog too, which is good. :-)
Here are the goals for topics (in no particular order):
- 2011: God's goodness and faithfulness through brokenness, infection, healing and restoration
- The tendency toward criticism as opposed to gratitude, and what God desires of us
- A reflection on what it means to enter a completely new year.
- How Christians should react to "Happy Holidays" and "Holiday Trees"
Maybe I'll have more ideas as we go, but for now, I'll stick with that. Hah, as mentioned above, I do have a good amount going on the next two and a half weeks.
So, for the 9 of you that follow this blog, and any others that may stumble upon it (figuratively speaking, not the literal Stumble Upon procrastination method), know that there are more posts coming. I feel it in my bones, it is time to reflect...it is time to breathe...to simply be.
It is my prayer for you all that in the midst of busy schedules, routines, and holiday functions, you all will find space to take in a deep breath, to rest, to reflect, and perhaps even to do something inefficient. Be interrupted, so that you may reflect and focus on what is truly most important.
Christmas is a good opportunity for this too...if we were to really think about this, Jesus coming to the world as a baby should provide an adequate interruption, and move us to prayer, reflection, and worship. :-)
Tom
Friday, December 23, 2011
Friday, October 21, 2011
Awe and Wonder at the Remarkable
This fall, one of my classes has been Luke-Acts, a seminar class on these two books of the bible. It's been interesting, to say the least, and both challenging and fun to work on the skill of reading scripture closely for themes, motifs, etc., as well as reading through commentaries on scripture.
Wednesday, we had our midterm exam for the class. We have gotten through all of Luke so far, so the midterm was basically on the gospel of Luke. As I prepared for the midterm, I knew the best thing I could do was to simply read the gospel in order to be familiar with it. So, Wednesday morning before my first class, I sat in LemonJello's with a mug of Love Buzz on my right, a blueberry muffin on my left, earbuds playing instrumental music by Balmorhea in place (look them up...solid), and the bible in my hands...and I read Luke!
I love that because of what I am studying at Hope, there are times where what I am reading for homework crosses over as what I can also read as a personal devotion in time with God. However, because of this, a problem arises. Well, it's not really a problem...but you'll know what I mean. I set out to read through Luke to review everything I had already read for class, confirming and memorizing themes, and simply to review the material needed for the academic exercise of the midterm. However, because I was reading the holy Word of God, specifically stories of Christ's ministry on earth, I was constantly moved to a place of awe and worship. The problem became that my response of awe and worship (which isn't a problem...haha) was distracting me from focusing on overarching themes of the text in order to prepare for a midterm. However, I was quite alright with being distracted from studying, for what I was reading truly did move me into awe, wonder, and ultimately worship.
I was reading Luke 5, and the healing of the paralytic in verses 17-26 completely captivated my attention.
(I'll sum it up, but you should definitely read it too...it's good stuff.)
Jesus is preaching, and the house is packed. Some dudes are outside with their friend who is paralyzed. They've heard about who Jesus is, and they desperately want to have Jesus see their friend...they have hope and faith in what they have heard, that somehow, through this man Jesus, their friend could be healed. But, the house is packed, they can't get in. So, they do what we all would do if we showed up to a place at full capacity...climb up to the roof, cut a hole in it, and lower their friend into the house. Likewise, Jesus reacts like any preacher who was interrupted in his sermon would to a person being lowered through a recently-forged hole in the roof...he stops where he's at, sees their great faith, and declares that the man's sins are forgiven. The Pharisees present don't like this at all...only God can forgive sins! Jesus knows their thoughts, and demonstrates his power and authority over sin by healing the man right in front of everyone. Then, the guy stands right up, grabs his mat, and walks home to his house. In the last verse, we see the response: "Everyone was amazed and gave praise to God. They were filled with awe and said, "We have seen remarkable things today."
I read this section, and instead of continuing on to cover as much of Luke as possible before my exam, I went back and read it again. And again. And as I kept reading it, I began to imagine myself in this scene. I imagined what it would have been like to witness these things...what I would have thought, what I would have felt, how I would have responded to this series of events. Here's what I imagined:
____
It's a packed house, and although we are slightly uncomfortable, it is well worth it to be listening to an amazing teacher and prophet preach the word. Out of nowhere, some dudes break open the roof and lower this paralyzed man lying on a mat down. Murmuring and even angry/annoyed shouts rise up from the crowd; even I am completely astounded at this. We don't know what to expect from Jesus...maybe he'll rebuke them, tell them to not interrupt, or send them away. But, we definitely don't expect what comes next. He acknowledges their faith, and forgives the man of his sin. Now, the murmurs swarm even thicker; everyone is nervously looking around, stealing glances at the group of Pharisees in the middle of the crowd. We know they will NOT be okay with what Jesus just said. But then, Jesus speaks again, seeming to have read everyone's nervous thoughts all at once!
Jesus promises to demonstrate his power and authority over sin, and at this, the room becomes IMMEDIATELY silent, sitting in still anticipation. Is something miraculous going to happen? The potential of the supernatural permeates every inch of the fully packed, now sunlit room; the moment seems to hang, suspended with an anticipation for something miraculous, something unbelievable, something Holy.
Jesus shouts out to the man, "Stand up! Rise to your feet, pick up your mat, and walk home!" For a split second, I think, almost cynically, Something better happen...otherwise, Jesus is going to come off as the most insensitive person on the planet.
And then, the unthinkable happens.
The man, who I had seen around town for years, who had been paralyzed for as long as I could remember, who I had always seen in his mat surrounded by friends whom he depended on for everything, begins to move. He starts to sit up, growing taller. Then, his legs begin to move; he slides his feet underneath his hips. Already, I am unbelievably dismayed, and any cynicism that was present has completely vanished...but he's not done. He presses his feet into the mat lying on the ground, and his body slowly begins to rise. With every inch he rises, my eyes grow bigger. I finally realize, this paralyzed man is rising to his feet! Jesus commanded him to stand, and he is standing! As he reaches his full height, gasps, shouts, and even screams are rising from the crowd; no one can believe what they are seeing. He now stands tall, and the fact that he is standing on his own two feet finally dawns on him. He shouts for joy, and we can understand his language completely; not by the words of Greek he speaks, but by the exclamation of his heart and spirit that no language can articulate.
THIS MAN IS STANDING.
The moment of expectation and anticipation that seemed to hang for an eternity has been replaced with awe, wonder, constant eye-rubbing, and joy. This Jesus, the great teacher and prophet, has just given this man the ability to stand, and in doing so has established his ability to forgive sins. Could it be...could this truly be the Son of God in our midst?
The man is ecstatic, and barely knows what to do with his excitement. But, he remembers the command, and bends at the waist to pick up his mat. He slings it over his shoulder, and he begins to walk towards the door. The room, which had before been too packed for anyone to get through, now has a clear path toward the doorway, as the people frantically move out of his way. Cheers, shouts, whistles, you name it; as the man makes his way through the house, the people erupted. We all are completely blown away by the fact that he is WALKING back to his house!
In light of seeing this miracle happen, our hearts move to a response. After seeing this type of power and authority used in such a miraculous and truly good way, we remain in the room in complete awe and wonder, and we respond by praising God for what he has done. Truly, we have seen a remarkable thing today, unlike anything we have seen before. Our anticipation of something Holy was more than met. We have witnessed the power of God in a way set apart from any other experience. We are in awe, and we are in wonder; we praise, and we worship.
____
I just imagined myself in that position, in awe of our God, of his greatness, of his goodness, of his power to do something we could not even imagine happening. Sitting in LJ's in Holland, Michigan with a muffin and a coffee before me in an attempt to study for a class, I was worshiping God for something he did 2000 years ago. So much awe, so much wonder.
Friends, this God that was able to perform the miracle for that man is the same God that we worship today. This God that inspired such awe and wonder is the same God that works in our world today. God is still that awesome, still that wonderful, still that remarkable, still that deserving of our worship and our praise...and he is still working in our world in ways that should blow our minds, if we only noticed what he is up to.
Never forget this; our God is a God of miracles, of the Kingdom to come, and of power and authority for those who have faith to believe that this world can be touched by the living God and changed completely.
It's the Same God.
"Everyone was amazed and gave praise to God. They were filled with awe and said, 'We have seen remarkable things today.' "
Today, and every day, may we be searching for the Remarkable. May we search for the hand of God acting in our world and be moved to awe and wonder at the Greatness and Power of our God.
Wednesday, we had our midterm exam for the class. We have gotten through all of Luke so far, so the midterm was basically on the gospel of Luke. As I prepared for the midterm, I knew the best thing I could do was to simply read the gospel in order to be familiar with it. So, Wednesday morning before my first class, I sat in LemonJello's with a mug of Love Buzz on my right, a blueberry muffin on my left, earbuds playing instrumental music by Balmorhea in place (look them up...solid), and the bible in my hands...and I read Luke!
I love that because of what I am studying at Hope, there are times where what I am reading for homework crosses over as what I can also read as a personal devotion in time with God. However, because of this, a problem arises. Well, it's not really a problem...but you'll know what I mean. I set out to read through Luke to review everything I had already read for class, confirming and memorizing themes, and simply to review the material needed for the academic exercise of the midterm. However, because I was reading the holy Word of God, specifically stories of Christ's ministry on earth, I was constantly moved to a place of awe and worship. The problem became that my response of awe and worship (which isn't a problem...haha) was distracting me from focusing on overarching themes of the text in order to prepare for a midterm. However, I was quite alright with being distracted from studying, for what I was reading truly did move me into awe, wonder, and ultimately worship.
I was reading Luke 5, and the healing of the paralytic in verses 17-26 completely captivated my attention.
(I'll sum it up, but you should definitely read it too...it's good stuff.)
Jesus is preaching, and the house is packed. Some dudes are outside with their friend who is paralyzed. They've heard about who Jesus is, and they desperately want to have Jesus see their friend...they have hope and faith in what they have heard, that somehow, through this man Jesus, their friend could be healed. But, the house is packed, they can't get in. So, they do what we all would do if we showed up to a place at full capacity...climb up to the roof, cut a hole in it, and lower their friend into the house. Likewise, Jesus reacts like any preacher who was interrupted in his sermon would to a person being lowered through a recently-forged hole in the roof...he stops where he's at, sees their great faith, and declares that the man's sins are forgiven. The Pharisees present don't like this at all...only God can forgive sins! Jesus knows their thoughts, and demonstrates his power and authority over sin by healing the man right in front of everyone. Then, the guy stands right up, grabs his mat, and walks home to his house. In the last verse, we see the response: "Everyone was amazed and gave praise to God. They were filled with awe and said, "We have seen remarkable things today."
I read this section, and instead of continuing on to cover as much of Luke as possible before my exam, I went back and read it again. And again. And as I kept reading it, I began to imagine myself in this scene. I imagined what it would have been like to witness these things...what I would have thought, what I would have felt, how I would have responded to this series of events. Here's what I imagined:
____
It's a packed house, and although we are slightly uncomfortable, it is well worth it to be listening to an amazing teacher and prophet preach the word. Out of nowhere, some dudes break open the roof and lower this paralyzed man lying on a mat down. Murmuring and even angry/annoyed shouts rise up from the crowd; even I am completely astounded at this. We don't know what to expect from Jesus...maybe he'll rebuke them, tell them to not interrupt, or send them away. But, we definitely don't expect what comes next. He acknowledges their faith, and forgives the man of his sin. Now, the murmurs swarm even thicker; everyone is nervously looking around, stealing glances at the group of Pharisees in the middle of the crowd. We know they will NOT be okay with what Jesus just said. But then, Jesus speaks again, seeming to have read everyone's nervous thoughts all at once!
Jesus promises to demonstrate his power and authority over sin, and at this, the room becomes IMMEDIATELY silent, sitting in still anticipation. Is something miraculous going to happen? The potential of the supernatural permeates every inch of the fully packed, now sunlit room; the moment seems to hang, suspended with an anticipation for something miraculous, something unbelievable, something Holy.
Jesus shouts out to the man, "Stand up! Rise to your feet, pick up your mat, and walk home!" For a split second, I think, almost cynically, Something better happen...otherwise, Jesus is going to come off as the most insensitive person on the planet.
And then, the unthinkable happens.
The man, who I had seen around town for years, who had been paralyzed for as long as I could remember, who I had always seen in his mat surrounded by friends whom he depended on for everything, begins to move. He starts to sit up, growing taller. Then, his legs begin to move; he slides his feet underneath his hips. Already, I am unbelievably dismayed, and any cynicism that was present has completely vanished...but he's not done. He presses his feet into the mat lying on the ground, and his body slowly begins to rise. With every inch he rises, my eyes grow bigger. I finally realize, this paralyzed man is rising to his feet! Jesus commanded him to stand, and he is standing! As he reaches his full height, gasps, shouts, and even screams are rising from the crowd; no one can believe what they are seeing. He now stands tall, and the fact that he is standing on his own two feet finally dawns on him. He shouts for joy, and we can understand his language completely; not by the words of Greek he speaks, but by the exclamation of his heart and spirit that no language can articulate.
THIS MAN IS STANDING.
The moment of expectation and anticipation that seemed to hang for an eternity has been replaced with awe, wonder, constant eye-rubbing, and joy. This Jesus, the great teacher and prophet, has just given this man the ability to stand, and in doing so has established his ability to forgive sins. Could it be...could this truly be the Son of God in our midst?
The man is ecstatic, and barely knows what to do with his excitement. But, he remembers the command, and bends at the waist to pick up his mat. He slings it over his shoulder, and he begins to walk towards the door. The room, which had before been too packed for anyone to get through, now has a clear path toward the doorway, as the people frantically move out of his way. Cheers, shouts, whistles, you name it; as the man makes his way through the house, the people erupted. We all are completely blown away by the fact that he is WALKING back to his house!
In light of seeing this miracle happen, our hearts move to a response. After seeing this type of power and authority used in such a miraculous and truly good way, we remain in the room in complete awe and wonder, and we respond by praising God for what he has done. Truly, we have seen a remarkable thing today, unlike anything we have seen before. Our anticipation of something Holy was more than met. We have witnessed the power of God in a way set apart from any other experience. We are in awe, and we are in wonder; we praise, and we worship.
____
I just imagined myself in that position, in awe of our God, of his greatness, of his goodness, of his power to do something we could not even imagine happening. Sitting in LJ's in Holland, Michigan with a muffin and a coffee before me in an attempt to study for a class, I was worshiping God for something he did 2000 years ago. So much awe, so much wonder.
Friends, this God that was able to perform the miracle for that man is the same God that we worship today. This God that inspired such awe and wonder is the same God that works in our world today. God is still that awesome, still that wonderful, still that remarkable, still that deserving of our worship and our praise...and he is still working in our world in ways that should blow our minds, if we only noticed what he is up to.
Never forget this; our God is a God of miracles, of the Kingdom to come, and of power and authority for those who have faith to believe that this world can be touched by the living God and changed completely.
It's the Same God.
"Everyone was amazed and gave praise to God. They were filled with awe and said, 'We have seen remarkable things today.' "
Today, and every day, may we be searching for the Remarkable. May we search for the hand of God acting in our world and be moved to awe and wonder at the Greatness and Power of our God.
5 Months of Silence FINALLY Broken!
In my very first post on this blog, I mentioned the potential for complete lapses in the consistency of blog posts.
This, my friends, can be considered exhibit A.
As summer began, my habits were allllll screwed up, and I fell out of the habit of blogging. Then school started, and I never got back into it. So, I guess a little life update is in order. Maybe first a more general one, then one more specific on what I've been learning/seeing in life lately. (I know...possibly 2 posts in one day. What a way to break a 5 month silence, right?)
Summer was....um...a lot of things.
Boring. A letdown. Lacking focus/drive. Lazy. Constant setbacks. Repeated Hospital visits. 2 steps forward, 1 step back.
And yet, at the same time...this summer was one in which I grew more than any other time in my life. And so it's ironic and counter-intuitive, but one of the worst summers of my life was at the very same time one of the best summers of my life. (It's also a little cheesy...but that's okay.)
There's so much more I could say about this, and more I will say. I've decided that at the end of this year, there is a definite need for a full reflection on the entire year. 2011 has been a long, long journey, with many experiences, many lessons learned, many lessons fought, so much growth, and SO much faithfulness from God...serioustly, so nuts. I'm excited to spend a good amount of time in the end of December reflecting on everything that has happened altogether. Hindsight is a good thing, a true gift from God, and I'm still learning lessons from things that happened months ago...blows my mind.
One of my last posts in May was about this super-cool idea to make this summer a creative one, one in which I could take advantage of all this extra spare time I had and create something every day, whether music, poetry, art, food...something. Yeah...didn't so much happen. Great in theory, horrible in practice. Again, my habits were pretty poor this summer. Without anything that really kept me going, reasons to get up in the morning, deadlines, to meet, etc., it took WAY longer than I originally thought to finish the one remaining paper from spring semester...as in I turned it in August 1. The month of May was a lot of sitting around and doing nothing. Way too much Xbox, that's for sure. (That's what I mean by poor habits...hah). June I started to make progress on the paper, but then had 2 hope soccer day camps I was able to work. Then had a little more work time, then 1 week of an overnight Hope soccer camp and CAC in July. Other than that and leading worship at church around once a month...didn't do much in terms of production. Again, hence the lazy/boring summer mentioned above. Also, the summer lacking creativity.
Health-wise...I had two more surgeries in the summer, and a stretch of 5 days where I was admitted into the hospital to receive care. Surgery in May to finally extract the hardware from the infected ankle. (After that surgery, during every wound vac dressing change, I could see my bone. Kinda gross...but also super cool haha). Skin graft surgery in the end of June to finally close the wound. Kinda worked...mostly didn't (mostly due to my lack of resting and waiting for myself to heal). So, ankle caught another infection (MRSA! woo hoo!) during CAC week, and I had to leave camp on Friday. Was admitted for the weekend, and waited for test results till Tuesday. Results were no bone infection, which was huge. Infection treatment was just oral antibiotics for 2 weeks, easy fix. And, despite the wound still being open, some of the graft remained, and the wound closed SUPER quickly relative to the crazy-slow process with the wound vac. By mid August, the wound was closed, and I FINALLY began physical therapy for the ankle. Now it's mid October, and I'm finishing up PT on the cusp of jogging. Recovery is a beautiful thing. (Again, probs gonna be a post that relates to this idea in more detail later. I love metaphors.) :-)
Now, I'm in my senior year at Hope with a full 16 credits along with all the work from the internship from last year. Add a few other campus involvements with campus ministries, the Hope Way, etc., and I am one busy senior. But really, who isn't, right?
That's a life update from May in the simplest form, with purely details and very little reflection. Now I'm caught up, and now I can hopefully get back into a habit of using this thing to get my thoughts down and reflect on life, worship, God's glory, God's grace, and what it means for us to truly live as disciples of the Living God.
Among other things. :-)
Hope all of my readers are doing well. To the three or four of you, stay tuned...more to come soon.
Grace and Peace,
Tom
This, my friends, can be considered exhibit A.
As summer began, my habits were allllll screwed up, and I fell out of the habit of blogging. Then school started, and I never got back into it. So, I guess a little life update is in order. Maybe first a more general one, then one more specific on what I've been learning/seeing in life lately. (I know...possibly 2 posts in one day. What a way to break a 5 month silence, right?)
Summer was....um...a lot of things.
Boring. A letdown. Lacking focus/drive. Lazy. Constant setbacks. Repeated Hospital visits. 2 steps forward, 1 step back.
And yet, at the same time...this summer was one in which I grew more than any other time in my life. And so it's ironic and counter-intuitive, but one of the worst summers of my life was at the very same time one of the best summers of my life. (It's also a little cheesy...but that's okay.)
There's so much more I could say about this, and more I will say. I've decided that at the end of this year, there is a definite need for a full reflection on the entire year. 2011 has been a long, long journey, with many experiences, many lessons learned, many lessons fought, so much growth, and SO much faithfulness from God...serioustly, so nuts. I'm excited to spend a good amount of time in the end of December reflecting on everything that has happened altogether. Hindsight is a good thing, a true gift from God, and I'm still learning lessons from things that happened months ago...blows my mind.
One of my last posts in May was about this super-cool idea to make this summer a creative one, one in which I could take advantage of all this extra spare time I had and create something every day, whether music, poetry, art, food...something. Yeah...didn't so much happen. Great in theory, horrible in practice. Again, my habits were pretty poor this summer. Without anything that really kept me going, reasons to get up in the morning, deadlines, to meet, etc., it took WAY longer than I originally thought to finish the one remaining paper from spring semester...as in I turned it in August 1. The month of May was a lot of sitting around and doing nothing. Way too much Xbox, that's for sure. (That's what I mean by poor habits...hah). June I started to make progress on the paper, but then had 2 hope soccer day camps I was able to work. Then had a little more work time, then 1 week of an overnight Hope soccer camp and CAC in July. Other than that and leading worship at church around once a month...didn't do much in terms of production. Again, hence the lazy/boring summer mentioned above. Also, the summer lacking creativity.
Health-wise...I had two more surgeries in the summer, and a stretch of 5 days where I was admitted into the hospital to receive care. Surgery in May to finally extract the hardware from the infected ankle. (After that surgery, during every wound vac dressing change, I could see my bone. Kinda gross...but also super cool haha). Skin graft surgery in the end of June to finally close the wound. Kinda worked...mostly didn't (mostly due to my lack of resting and waiting for myself to heal). So, ankle caught another infection (MRSA! woo hoo!) during CAC week, and I had to leave camp on Friday. Was admitted for the weekend, and waited for test results till Tuesday. Results were no bone infection, which was huge. Infection treatment was just oral antibiotics for 2 weeks, easy fix. And, despite the wound still being open, some of the graft remained, and the wound closed SUPER quickly relative to the crazy-slow process with the wound vac. By mid August, the wound was closed, and I FINALLY began physical therapy for the ankle. Now it's mid October, and I'm finishing up PT on the cusp of jogging. Recovery is a beautiful thing. (Again, probs gonna be a post that relates to this idea in more detail later. I love metaphors.) :-)
Now, I'm in my senior year at Hope with a full 16 credits along with all the work from the internship from last year. Add a few other campus involvements with campus ministries, the Hope Way, etc., and I am one busy senior. But really, who isn't, right?
That's a life update from May in the simplest form, with purely details and very little reflection. Now I'm caught up, and now I can hopefully get back into a habit of using this thing to get my thoughts down and reflect on life, worship, God's glory, God's grace, and what it means for us to truly live as disciples of the Living God.
Among other things. :-)
Hope all of my readers are doing well. To the three or four of you, stay tuned...more to come soon.
Grace and Peace,
Tom
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
A summer of creativity?
So, here's what I'm thinking.
My summer plans got shot down big time. Not one, but two jobs won't work out. I'll be spending a good amount of time recovering from surgery or doing lots of physical therapy. I'm still gonna be doing worship planning at Cornerstone, and I'm hoping to be on staff at Christian Athletic Camp this year...7 years as a camper, and this is the first year I'll be able to do that!
Now, those things will take up a decent amount of time, sure. But...right now, my 9-5 on Monday thru Friday is wide open. Experience shows that when I don't have a reason to get out of bed in the morning, I don't. So, the task becomes finding something to do with my time, finding something that will get my bum out of bed...something that will hold me accountable.
Getting a job will be tougher than it already was, being that I will have recovery from a surgery to work around, not to mention I won't be able to be on my feet all day. There's finding somewhere to volunteer or something like that, but I'm again not sure where exactly I could help out while staying seated.
Beyond working or volunteering, the first thing that comes to mind is letting this be a great summer of slowing down and spending daily time with God...and a lot of it. Enough time to truly be silent before God daily, to read and grow in scripture, to pray just for the sake of praying, not just because I want something or someone asked me to pray for them. I'm really looking forward to the potential here. After I finally finish the semester and get thru surgery on the 16th, I'll start figuring out how I'm gonna actually go about this, keeping myself accountable to it and maintaining the discipline.
But then today, something else came to mind...and it kind of gets me excited. You see, I don't know if I'll ever have free time like this ever again. Well, maybe when I retire (if I retire...). But, I have a pretty cool opportunity with a lot of free time.
What if I committed to doing something creative every day of the summer?
So often, I've really wished that I could get better at writing poetry, covering awesome songs that I love, maybe writing and playing/singing my own songs...things like that. And see, the only way you get better at any of those things is by doing them. Poetry is stressful and frustrating, and I feel clueless...but it's because I have no practice. What if I practiced it?
So, something creative...not the same thing every day, but just something. Maybe it's poetry. Maybe it's writing out a blog entry on here. Maybe it's recording a cover, or recording my own stuff. Maybe it's just making another funny and stupid video, or a lip sync. The list could go on. But...something creative, everyday.
Now, I say every day, but with the nature of summer (and life), I know that weekends might get busy, or I might have other things to do on some days...so, I could set my goal to be 4 days a week. 4 days a week, I want to make something. I want to create.
We'll see if this can work. It's definitely just an idea right now, and who knows, I could end up finding a job that works for me and not end up with all this free time. But, honestly...I'm kinda hoping this could work out...cuz I think this could be really cool. :-)
Alright...no more procrastination. Papers won't write themselves. (But it would be SO cool if they did.)
Tom
My summer plans got shot down big time. Not one, but two jobs won't work out. I'll be spending a good amount of time recovering from surgery or doing lots of physical therapy. I'm still gonna be doing worship planning at Cornerstone, and I'm hoping to be on staff at Christian Athletic Camp this year...7 years as a camper, and this is the first year I'll be able to do that!
Now, those things will take up a decent amount of time, sure. But...right now, my 9-5 on Monday thru Friday is wide open. Experience shows that when I don't have a reason to get out of bed in the morning, I don't. So, the task becomes finding something to do with my time, finding something that will get my bum out of bed...something that will hold me accountable.
Getting a job will be tougher than it already was, being that I will have recovery from a surgery to work around, not to mention I won't be able to be on my feet all day. There's finding somewhere to volunteer or something like that, but I'm again not sure where exactly I could help out while staying seated.
Beyond working or volunteering, the first thing that comes to mind is letting this be a great summer of slowing down and spending daily time with God...and a lot of it. Enough time to truly be silent before God daily, to read and grow in scripture, to pray just for the sake of praying, not just because I want something or someone asked me to pray for them. I'm really looking forward to the potential here. After I finally finish the semester and get thru surgery on the 16th, I'll start figuring out how I'm gonna actually go about this, keeping myself accountable to it and maintaining the discipline.
But then today, something else came to mind...and it kind of gets me excited. You see, I don't know if I'll ever have free time like this ever again. Well, maybe when I retire (if I retire...). But, I have a pretty cool opportunity with a lot of free time.
What if I committed to doing something creative every day of the summer?
So often, I've really wished that I could get better at writing poetry, covering awesome songs that I love, maybe writing and playing/singing my own songs...things like that. And see, the only way you get better at any of those things is by doing them. Poetry is stressful and frustrating, and I feel clueless...but it's because I have no practice. What if I practiced it?
So, something creative...not the same thing every day, but just something. Maybe it's poetry. Maybe it's writing out a blog entry on here. Maybe it's recording a cover, or recording my own stuff. Maybe it's just making another funny and stupid video, or a lip sync. The list could go on. But...something creative, everyday.
Now, I say every day, but with the nature of summer (and life), I know that weekends might get busy, or I might have other things to do on some days...so, I could set my goal to be 4 days a week. 4 days a week, I want to make something. I want to create.
We'll see if this can work. It's definitely just an idea right now, and who knows, I could end up finding a job that works for me and not end up with all this free time. But, honestly...I'm kinda hoping this could work out...cuz I think this could be really cool. :-)
Alright...no more procrastination. Papers won't write themselves. (But it would be SO cool if they did.)
Tom
Monday, April 25, 2011
Prayer to the Father
Oh God, you are such a good Father.
How patient you are with me, even while I am so impatient with you.
How faithful you are to me, even while I am so unfaithful to you.
Like a loving Father, you want me to be real with you. You want me to be honest and to not hold back. You invite me to share everything with you, even my anger, frustration, doubt, and fear. And as I throw my little hissy fit, you patiently listen and take it. You let me finish all of my thoughts, let me get through everything I have to say, even while I'm doubting you, upset with you, telling you all the ways you're screwing up, even struggling to have faith in you.
Like a good Father, who looks out for my best interest, who desires to raise me up and help me grow, you don't always respond right away. You're patient. Even while I complain, doubt, shout and scream, you wait patiently. You have perfect timing, different than mine...which gives me even more frustration to which I rebel like a sophomore in high school. But, you know what is best for me, more than I do. And so you wait.
I just can't get over how patient you are with me! You had every right to slap me silly after a simple breath of anger and frustration. How dare I question the Almighty God! How dare I question your plan, your goodness, your presence, your control, your all-consuming love! You had every right to cut me off right in that moment. And yet, you didn't. You patiently waited for me to finish.
And now, you're beginning to answer.
You remind me of the father that you are, who disciplines your children so that they may grow in faith and love, and share in your holiness (Hebrews 12). You remind me that I may have my plans, but you have your plans, which are SO much better than mine, even if I cannot see where they're going (Proverbs 16:9, 19:21). You show me examples of where you've disciplined your followers through tough times, and how they have grown through that (Job, Habakkuk). You remind me that though there is pain, suffering, and weeping in the night, joy comes in the morning (Psalm 30:5). You remind me that, truly, you do work all things for the good of those who love you, in YOUR time (Romans 8:28). You remind me that you yourself know what it is to suffer, to feel pain, to surrender control to the circumstances you are in (Good Friday), but then how you claimed victory over that suffering, and are the conquering King of kings (Easter).
Oh God, forgive my doubt, forgive my anger and frustration and complaining. Forgive me for my hissy fit. Thank you for being patient with my tantrum, but please forgive me for it. I'm sorry I ever doubted your presence, your goodness, your compassion, your love, You.
You are a good Father. You discipline me so that I may grow into your holiness. You allow brokenness and suffering to happen in my life that I may come out the other side with a stronger faith, hope, and love for you. You are good, ALL THE TIME.
God, as I continue to walk through a world of suffering, help me to see beyond my immediate circumstances. Oh God, I do pray that I can be done with infections, broken bones, hospitals, and whatever else very, very soon, if it is in your will. But, no matter what I do face, will you help me to open my eyes beyond the immediate suffering? When I only look at the present situation, I doubt you. Help me to open my eyes in those situations, to truly take joy in trials and tribulations that I face, knowing that you are helping me grow in my trust in you. Please help me trust in your discipline, knowing that you are working all things for good.
And God, continue to be more patient with me, for you and I both know there will be more hissy fits as I go through trying times.
But, I know you are good, and you are faithful, and you are patient, and you are loving, and you are just, and you are the greatest thing in all existence.
You are a good father. Thank you for choosing me to be one of your children.
I love you, Abba.
How patient you are with me, even while I am so impatient with you.
How faithful you are to me, even while I am so unfaithful to you.
Like a loving Father, you want me to be real with you. You want me to be honest and to not hold back. You invite me to share everything with you, even my anger, frustration, doubt, and fear. And as I throw my little hissy fit, you patiently listen and take it. You let me finish all of my thoughts, let me get through everything I have to say, even while I'm doubting you, upset with you, telling you all the ways you're screwing up, even struggling to have faith in you.
Like a good Father, who looks out for my best interest, who desires to raise me up and help me grow, you don't always respond right away. You're patient. Even while I complain, doubt, shout and scream, you wait patiently. You have perfect timing, different than mine...which gives me even more frustration to which I rebel like a sophomore in high school. But, you know what is best for me, more than I do. And so you wait.
I just can't get over how patient you are with me! You had every right to slap me silly after a simple breath of anger and frustration. How dare I question the Almighty God! How dare I question your plan, your goodness, your presence, your control, your all-consuming love! You had every right to cut me off right in that moment. And yet, you didn't. You patiently waited for me to finish.
And now, you're beginning to answer.
You remind me of the father that you are, who disciplines your children so that they may grow in faith and love, and share in your holiness (Hebrews 12). You remind me that I may have my plans, but you have your plans, which are SO much better than mine, even if I cannot see where they're going (Proverbs 16:9, 19:21). You show me examples of where you've disciplined your followers through tough times, and how they have grown through that (Job, Habakkuk). You remind me that though there is pain, suffering, and weeping in the night, joy comes in the morning (Psalm 30:5). You remind me that, truly, you do work all things for the good of those who love you, in YOUR time (Romans 8:28). You remind me that you yourself know what it is to suffer, to feel pain, to surrender control to the circumstances you are in (Good Friday), but then how you claimed victory over that suffering, and are the conquering King of kings (Easter).
Oh God, forgive my doubt, forgive my anger and frustration and complaining. Forgive me for my hissy fit. Thank you for being patient with my tantrum, but please forgive me for it. I'm sorry I ever doubted your presence, your goodness, your compassion, your love, You.
You are a good Father. You discipline me so that I may grow into your holiness. You allow brokenness and suffering to happen in my life that I may come out the other side with a stronger faith, hope, and love for you. You are good, ALL THE TIME.
God, as I continue to walk through a world of suffering, help me to see beyond my immediate circumstances. Oh God, I do pray that I can be done with infections, broken bones, hospitals, and whatever else very, very soon, if it is in your will. But, no matter what I do face, will you help me to open my eyes beyond the immediate suffering? When I only look at the present situation, I doubt you. Help me to open my eyes in those situations, to truly take joy in trials and tribulations that I face, knowing that you are helping me grow in my trust in you. Please help me trust in your discipline, knowing that you are working all things for good.
And God, continue to be more patient with me, for you and I both know there will be more hissy fits as I go through trying times.
But, I know you are good, and you are faithful, and you are patient, and you are loving, and you are just, and you are the greatest thing in all existence.
You are a good father. Thank you for choosing me to be one of your children.
I love you, Abba.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Curveballs
It's funny...we tend to be really good at giving advice to other people, but terrible at listening to our own advice. Put all of our situation in another person, and we'd have almost all the answers. But, when it's us we're dealing with...well, that's just not that easy.
One of the things I usually say to friends who are faced with something completely unexpected is that as soon as we make our plans, that's usually when God throws a good curveball our way...just his way of reminding us that he is in control of things, and that the process making plans for the future should be drenched in prayer. (Proverbs 16:9, 19:21)
I'll be talking with a friend, and they'll explain some situation where they made plans, but now everything seems to be changing...and it's just so clear to me. Those passages come to mind, and this concept that curveballs tend to come once we've set all of our plans is all I can think of.
And yet, when it happens in my life, it takes me a lot longer to realize what's going on. It takes a lot longer for me to stop, take a look at things, and actually listen to the same exact counsel that I gave a friend not 2 weeks ago.
I mean, really, with everything that's been happening the last few months, and how it has affected my plans for summer, I'd be stupid to not realize that God threw a pretty darn good breaking ball. Then you add that I've been doing a lot (A LOT) of reevaluating over the last week (and will continue to do so for a while) about what it is that I really think I want to do with life, how I want to use the gifts God has blessed me with, whether to focus on some specific gifts more than others....well, let's just say, God's got a mean slider.
I'm nowhere near any revelations or breakthroughs with all this thinking and reevaluating...I still have a lot of thinking and praying and talking to much smarter people than me to do. (Could be a potential future post.) But, if nothing else, it's a reminder that making plans for the future should always be done prayerfully. We always tend to make our own plans that are perfect in our eyes...well, guaranteed God has something better. (The tough part is when it really doesn't look better at all in the midst of the circumstances.)
God always has something better.
Proverbs 16:9
9 In their hearts humans plan their course,
but the LORD establishes their steps.
Proverbs 19:21
21 Many are the plans in a person’s heart,
but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails.
One of the things I usually say to friends who are faced with something completely unexpected is that as soon as we make our plans, that's usually when God throws a good curveball our way...just his way of reminding us that he is in control of things, and that the process making plans for the future should be drenched in prayer. (Proverbs 16:9, 19:21)
I'll be talking with a friend, and they'll explain some situation where they made plans, but now everything seems to be changing...and it's just so clear to me. Those passages come to mind, and this concept that curveballs tend to come once we've set all of our plans is all I can think of.
And yet, when it happens in my life, it takes me a lot longer to realize what's going on. It takes a lot longer for me to stop, take a look at things, and actually listen to the same exact counsel that I gave a friend not 2 weeks ago.
I mean, really, with everything that's been happening the last few months, and how it has affected my plans for summer, I'd be stupid to not realize that God threw a pretty darn good breaking ball. Then you add that I've been doing a lot (A LOT) of reevaluating over the last week (and will continue to do so for a while) about what it is that I really think I want to do with life, how I want to use the gifts God has blessed me with, whether to focus on some specific gifts more than others....well, let's just say, God's got a mean slider.
I'm nowhere near any revelations or breakthroughs with all this thinking and reevaluating...I still have a lot of thinking and praying and talking to much smarter people than me to do. (Could be a potential future post.) But, if nothing else, it's a reminder that making plans for the future should always be done prayerfully. We always tend to make our own plans that are perfect in our eyes...well, guaranteed God has something better. (The tough part is when it really doesn't look better at all in the midst of the circumstances.)
God always has something better.
Proverbs 16:9
9 In their hearts humans plan their course,
but the LORD establishes their steps.
Proverbs 19:21
21 Many are the plans in a person’s heart,
but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Lament.
I just don't really know what to feel right now.
After having my nice little recovery plan ripped away from me, I'm sitting in a hospital room with an infected ankle and large list of unanswered questions.
Plans that I was sure of for the summer, I don't know if they're possible anymore, but I don't know if they're not yet either.
I was already wondering how I was going to get all of my work done for the last 3 weeks of the semester...spending a week in the hospital should add just a touch of stress to that whole ordeal.
And God, I just don't know what I'm supposed to be feeling right now.
The bad news hits, and I'm really upset...it sucks. I'm not going home tonight...or tomorrow night...or the next night, and possibly the next either. Everything I planned is changing, and it sucks.
But even then, I'm not exactly sure I want to really bring that before you. (Maybe I just don't know how.)
So, I begin to do what I've honestly done throughout a lot of the last few months. I focus so much on the fact that you are good, that you work all things for good, that you outshine any darkness that exists in all of life...but see, I never really allowed myself to really go through the darkness to come to that conclusion. I hold on to that in the most surface-level way I can muster.
I'd much rather see you as a god who isn't really involved in this situation...as just being kind of distant. I can keep you over there, keep telling myself that you're good, that everything's gonna be okay, and convincing other people that I'm doing fine because you're just that good. (That sounds good from someone going into ministry, right?) I'd rather think that you had absolutely nothing to do with my circumstances, that they just happened because the world is a nasty place full of evil and bad guys, but that you still love me, and you want me to be happy, to bring me out of this. See, that's much easier for me to handle. It's easier for me to look at you and smile when I think that you have nothing to do with my pain and frustration, but you just want to make things all happy and good for me again.
But see, you're not a distant god in the corner. You're ever present. There isn't a thing that happens that isn't something you willed. We don't control you. The world doesn't control you. Nothing controls you. You are wild and free to do exactly as you will. You are right here, in the midst of all of this. You're not in the corner just trying to make me feel better.
I'd rather blame the world for my problems and focus on Romans 8, which says how you work all things for the good of those who love him, and not on anything else. That way, I can say that evil is messing things up, and that you are just doing everything you can to take a mess and make it a masterpiece. (That even sound pretty good right? Pretty Christian.)
But see, you're not just the God of one part of scripture. I can't read one part and dismiss all the others. I can't cling to the fact that you work all things for good, but just ignore "this is the day that the Lord has made! Let us rejoice and be glad in it!" Or the words from a daily devotional, "Be careful not to complain about anything, even the weather, since I am the Author of your circumstances. The best way to handle unwanted situations is to thank me for them. This act of faith frees you from resentment and frees Me to work My ways into the situation, so that good emerges it." You are the same God that works all things for good, while also being the author of my circumstances, asking that I thank you for them.
No, see, that's much harder. God, if I let you really be who you actually are, I have a whole lot more things to answer to. If I let you be who I want you to be, with just the pieces of scripture that make me feel happy and content, I can continue to say super inspiring things like "God is good!" while going through crappy circumstances. But if I let you be who you actually are in my life, there is a whole heck of a lot that I just don't understand.
If you are the author of my circumstances, why did you write up these circumstances? They suck. I'm in a hospital bed hooked up to an IV, with an ankle that you would think is a fan of Detroit's hockey team by its color, with no food in my stomach as I await surgery that I have not a clue about the recovery time for, all while I've been trying to plan my summer, organize and write very large papers (within 2 weeks!), and just learn how to walk again.
You are the author of these circumstances?
Really?
You made this day, and you want me to rejoice and be glad in it?
You want me to thank you for the unwanted situations on my life?
How can you really want that? How can you desire me to do that, when I'm feeling like you're drawing away from me in my circumstances?
God, do not turn a deaf ear to me! I am in anguish over what is happening right now, and the last thing I want to do is turn to thanksgiving! I don't know how to do that right now! God, please do not draw away from me! Draw close to me, I need you right now!
It would be so much easier to let you be off in a corner passively making my boo-boo's okay in situations you don't have any control over...but that's not who you are. But God, if you are going to be who you are, I need you to be all of who you are for me right now. I need you to hear my prayer, to listen to my cry for you, to respond and act in my life!
God, I do want to believe that you indeed work all things for the good of those who love you. But the only way that I can keep you as my God instead of my god in the corner is to really allow those words to be absolutely crazy right now, and yet to hold onto them with a faith that just doesn't make any sense at all.
I do want to believe that you are the God in the business of the redemption and healing of your creation. Yet if you are my God instead of the other god, I just can't see that right now...and honestly, maybe I shouldn't.
Maybe if I'm putting on a happy face, only focusing on the good and cheerful parts and saying nice Christian things, I'm not being realistic. I'm not actually acknowledging the fact that I'm suffering in this world, when you are a God that is actually in control of all things, even the author of circumstances. I can't reconcile that by myself...I need you to do that for me, because I just can't.
God, I began this semester with a prayer that you would teach me how to lament. (boy, that was dumb.) And you answered that prayer. I can't thank you right now for answering that prayer. Not yet. I can't thank you for these circumstances, and for what they're doing in my life. Not yet. I can't thank you for letting me have a broken ankle, and then letting an infection begin right when recovery started getting better. Not yet.
God, that's my full honesty there. I just can't do it yet. But you are God, and you are good, and worthy of all praise. I love you. God, will you have mercy on my lack of faith? Will you slowly work on my heart, taking this stony heart that just can't thank you right now and transform it? Only you can do that.
Transform my heart, O God, that the songs that I sing in church about surrender and embracing your cross can truly become the songs of my heart.
Surgery in 22 minutes. See you there.
Amen.
After having my nice little recovery plan ripped away from me, I'm sitting in a hospital room with an infected ankle and large list of unanswered questions.
Plans that I was sure of for the summer, I don't know if they're possible anymore, but I don't know if they're not yet either.
I was already wondering how I was going to get all of my work done for the last 3 weeks of the semester...spending a week in the hospital should add just a touch of stress to that whole ordeal.
And God, I just don't know what I'm supposed to be feeling right now.
The bad news hits, and I'm really upset...it sucks. I'm not going home tonight...or tomorrow night...or the next night, and possibly the next either. Everything I planned is changing, and it sucks.
But even then, I'm not exactly sure I want to really bring that before you. (Maybe I just don't know how.)
So, I begin to do what I've honestly done throughout a lot of the last few months. I focus so much on the fact that you are good, that you work all things for good, that you outshine any darkness that exists in all of life...but see, I never really allowed myself to really go through the darkness to come to that conclusion. I hold on to that in the most surface-level way I can muster.
I'd much rather see you as a god who isn't really involved in this situation...as just being kind of distant. I can keep you over there, keep telling myself that you're good, that everything's gonna be okay, and convincing other people that I'm doing fine because you're just that good. (That sounds good from someone going into ministry, right?) I'd rather think that you had absolutely nothing to do with my circumstances, that they just happened because the world is a nasty place full of evil and bad guys, but that you still love me, and you want me to be happy, to bring me out of this. See, that's much easier for me to handle. It's easier for me to look at you and smile when I think that you have nothing to do with my pain and frustration, but you just want to make things all happy and good for me again.
But see, you're not a distant god in the corner. You're ever present. There isn't a thing that happens that isn't something you willed. We don't control you. The world doesn't control you. Nothing controls you. You are wild and free to do exactly as you will. You are right here, in the midst of all of this. You're not in the corner just trying to make me feel better.
I'd rather blame the world for my problems and focus on Romans 8, which says how you work all things for the good of those who love him, and not on anything else. That way, I can say that evil is messing things up, and that you are just doing everything you can to take a mess and make it a masterpiece. (That even sound pretty good right? Pretty Christian.)
But see, you're not just the God of one part of scripture. I can't read one part and dismiss all the others. I can't cling to the fact that you work all things for good, but just ignore "this is the day that the Lord has made! Let us rejoice and be glad in it!" Or the words from a daily devotional, "Be careful not to complain about anything, even the weather, since I am the Author of your circumstances. The best way to handle unwanted situations is to thank me for them. This act of faith frees you from resentment and frees Me to work My ways into the situation, so that good emerges it." You are the same God that works all things for good, while also being the author of my circumstances, asking that I thank you for them.
No, see, that's much harder. God, if I let you really be who you actually are, I have a whole lot more things to answer to. If I let you be who I want you to be, with just the pieces of scripture that make me feel happy and content, I can continue to say super inspiring things like "God is good!" while going through crappy circumstances. But if I let you be who you actually are in my life, there is a whole heck of a lot that I just don't understand.
If you are the author of my circumstances, why did you write up these circumstances? They suck. I'm in a hospital bed hooked up to an IV, with an ankle that you would think is a fan of Detroit's hockey team by its color, with no food in my stomach as I await surgery that I have not a clue about the recovery time for, all while I've been trying to plan my summer, organize and write very large papers (within 2 weeks!), and just learn how to walk again.
You are the author of these circumstances?
Really?
You made this day, and you want me to rejoice and be glad in it?
You want me to thank you for the unwanted situations on my life?
How can you really want that? How can you desire me to do that, when I'm feeling like you're drawing away from me in my circumstances?
God, do not turn a deaf ear to me! I am in anguish over what is happening right now, and the last thing I want to do is turn to thanksgiving! I don't know how to do that right now! God, please do not draw away from me! Draw close to me, I need you right now!
It would be so much easier to let you be off in a corner passively making my boo-boo's okay in situations you don't have any control over...but that's not who you are. But God, if you are going to be who you are, I need you to be all of who you are for me right now. I need you to hear my prayer, to listen to my cry for you, to respond and act in my life!
God, I do want to believe that you indeed work all things for the good of those who love you. But the only way that I can keep you as my God instead of my god in the corner is to really allow those words to be absolutely crazy right now, and yet to hold onto them with a faith that just doesn't make any sense at all.
I do want to believe that you are the God in the business of the redemption and healing of your creation. Yet if you are my God instead of the other god, I just can't see that right now...and honestly, maybe I shouldn't.
Maybe if I'm putting on a happy face, only focusing on the good and cheerful parts and saying nice Christian things, I'm not being realistic. I'm not actually acknowledging the fact that I'm suffering in this world, when you are a God that is actually in control of all things, even the author of circumstances. I can't reconcile that by myself...I need you to do that for me, because I just can't.
God, I began this semester with a prayer that you would teach me how to lament. (boy, that was dumb.) And you answered that prayer. I can't thank you right now for answering that prayer. Not yet. I can't thank you for these circumstances, and for what they're doing in my life. Not yet. I can't thank you for letting me have a broken ankle, and then letting an infection begin right when recovery started getting better. Not yet.
God, that's my full honesty there. I just can't do it yet. But you are God, and you are good, and worthy of all praise. I love you. God, will you have mercy on my lack of faith? Will you slowly work on my heart, taking this stony heart that just can't thank you right now and transform it? Only you can do that.
Transform my heart, O God, that the songs that I sing in church about surrender and embracing your cross can truly become the songs of my heart.
Surgery in 22 minutes. See you there.
Amen.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Fresh Air
I'm currently in JP's, doing some reading for my Reformation class. I've been here for about an hour and a half, in the back in my own little secluded booth. I had about an hour where I was really focused, and then I got to kind of a mini-stopping point, a good place for a break. Sitting in my booth, I started to feel a little stuffy, and so I figured I'd just step outside for a little fresh air.
I was outside for no longer than 2 seconds when I took my first breath of the cool, March air, and it had its effect immediately. The cool air came in through my half-stuffed-up nose, travelled down the air passages and resided in my lungs, immediately removing that warm/stuffy feeling that was there. The cool air was absolutely refreshing from the first breath. And then I took another. I knew right then that this was the right choice for a break. I went over to the bench on the corner of 8th and College, and I just sat there, just breathing in the cool, life-giving air.
In the break from my work, I wasn't distracting myself with something from facebook, or going to espn.com to read articles about the NCAA tournament that I've no doubt read at least 2 or 3 times by now, or even finding friends to talk to. I just went outside and sat. Instead of distracting my mind with something else, I emptied it. Nothing on my mind, nothing to think about...just a complete break. Rest.
It kinda hit me that that was the first time I had truly rested in a long time. I've kinda been on this crappy sleep schedule lately where I've been staying up way later than I should and then making up for it by sleeping in a little later than normal. Every time I wake up, I feel like I haven't rested at all. And then I go through my day without a whole lot of energy, craving rest. And every time I've wanted a break from work, I've chosen to distract my mind with online episodes of tv shows or refreshing my email every 30 seconds, just in case someone sent something new since the last time I checked. I haven't chosen rest.
For probably at least a week, I haven't actually rested...just been still, emptied my mind. Even in times where I've opened my bible to read, it hasn't been restful or rejuvenating, but rather something I need to do, something else to focus on, something else to place my mind on. One frustration has been that some of the ways that I often rest and empty my mind have been in active ways, like running...and with a broken ankle, that's not really a possibility. But the problem is, I've used that as an excuse to not rest... "Well, I can't really go running, so I guess I can't really do anything to take a break, to feel better..."
And so this is why my the first few breaths in a simple study break were so peaceful and yet invigorating. Honestly, it was much like being underwater for as long as you can hold your breath, and then coming up to breathe...those first few breaths fill your lungs and your body, providing a source of life that you had been deprived of for well too long. As I sat on the bench, just sitting, just breathing, just being, the rest poured into me like a fountain.
As tempting as it was to just stay out there for hours and just soak in the cool air and the rest, I only remained on the bench for maybe 5 minutes. In part because I was taking up a booth with all my stuff and I didn't want to upset any customers that were looking for somewhere to sit, and in part because as good as the cool air felt in my lungs, it's still March, and it's 45 degrees, and after a few minutes I was getting a little cold. But those 5 minutes of just sitting, breathing, being, filled me up in a way I hadn't been filled in well over a week. It was only 5 minutes of rest...but it's amazing how much of a difference those 5 minutes made.
I think it's time for a conscious effort to rest. I often am so focused on all of the tasks I have to do for that day that I think rest is just avoiding work through distracting with something else. Because all of these tasks aren't always "fun" (like reading the works of Johann Pfefferkorn in which he's just tearing up the Jews like crazy...in the name of God, no less...), I think I need to distract myself with something fun, like House, or brackets. Instead, I think the focus needs to be on integrating times of rest into my life. Part of that is figuring out what the things are that help me empty my mind and give me rest, like just taking a moment to sit outside, running, listening to music not as background noise while I work on something else...and then pursuing those things.
God truly desires these moments of rest in our lives. He knows our limitations, and he knows we need rhythms of rest in our lives in order for us to function well. These rhythms include worshiping together corporately, taking time to read and study the word, having times of prayer. But, these times also include those times of pure rest, when we just empty our minds and slow down for a few moments. It's not exactly a "Christian" thing like worshiping or praying or reading the bible, but I firmly believe that God meets us in these times and gives us life. God desires to give us life through all things, whether "churchy" or not.
The last thought that comes to mind is this. When life is stressful and there is so much to do, or when things are just really hard and we want a break, we're often just trying to run away from things...hence distractions, tv shows, and internet time-wasters. What if instead of trying to run away from things, we just are conscious enough to take a break from things...we stop what we're doing and take a moment away from that, not thinking that we are running away from it and can avoid it, but that we instead need to be fueled in order to get whatever it is done. God doesn't always deliver us from our circumstances....very rarely does God work through the "easy way out." But, God does provide us with the life and energy and rest needed to get through our tasks, if we only take the time to rest and approach him.
I think I'm gonna take 5 more minutes to go sit on that bench...
Tom
(Also: I am incapable of small blog posts. Sorry that reading my blog is a solid time commitment.)
Monday, February 21, 2011
"PREPARE."
(This is me not working on my make-up work. Whoops.)
I don't hear God speak directly to me in a very clear, real way very often.
In fact, there have been many times that I've gone many seasons without hearing God's voice clearly, and in my pride and selfishness, I've had to struggle through jealousy of so many of my friends who have had amazing experiences where God has spoken to them in their times of prayer. Cornerstone folks, it was very similar to the Coke video we watched in the service this weekend...I felt jipped with only 8 oz. of Coke, when all my friends were walking around with 2 liters or more.
Well, last year God helped me open my eyes a bit and realize how wrong I was in my thinking. He basically smacked me on the back of the head and said, "What, you don't think I'm trying to get your attention all the time? Look around you!! I am doing so much all around you, speaking through my followers, through my creation, through pastors, sermons, books, etc., and you think I'm not trying to speak to you?"
In that moment, when I did hear his voice directly, prayer that was actually a conversation and not just a one-way street, all I could really do was hide my face. As God poured his words into my mind, I felt the need to just stop talking...his words were completely overwhelming...it was the God of the Universe, speaking to ME! Now, to the point that God was making in that moment, he had been (and still does) speaking to me in so many different ways already, every single day, even in every single moment. But, in that specific moment there, it was quite different. It was God's direct words...and all I could do was hide my face and listen, completely overwhelmed.
I had another one of those experiences last night. In the Gathering service at Hope, we had our time of communion, which tends to take a while with around 1300 people there, even with like 9 stations. I hopped up right away with my one good leg to take communion before I would have had to wait in line with my crutches, and I had the rest of the time to sit in the pew, taking time to pray. And as I did, God met me in that prayer.
Honestly, I don't remember everything that I was praying at that moment, and that was less than 24 hours ago. Much of it was probably me rambling some religious speak, praying the "right" things. But in part of the prayer, I was praying with a lot of the thoughts from last night's post that I finished up after the Gathering, about turning back to God after knowing that I messed up, and unsure of how to really come back to Him...how to really humble myself, whether he was really meeting me there, or whether I wasn't really coming to him fully...in the language of the last post, whether I was coming with all of my heart, including the inmost parts, instead of just coming with the surface gunk. And then, he spoke, taking my prayer in a new direction.
"You're going to have to take a step of faith, Tom."
It totally caught me off guard...here I was rambling in thought about something different, and these words were ever-strong in my head. Before I even knew that I was in a direct conversation with the living God, I reactively asked, "A step of faith? Well, what do you mean? What is this about? Am I going to know where this step will take me?"
"Yes...but not all at once, and not right now. I will show you one step at a time, and you'll have to take that step, not knowing what the next one is, but knowing I will provide it."
"Ok....well, what's the first step?"
"PREPARE."
It was a this moment that I stopped...it finally sunk in that God was speaking to me, and I didn't have words anymore...I put my face in my hands, completely overwhelmed, just listening to this last word echoing in my head.
"PREPARE."
After simply sitting there with my hands in my face, completely overwhelmed, other thoughts started slowly coming into my head. In fact, they have been slowly ever since.
So, God does have something planned, something that is going to take a step of faith...well, probably many steps of faith, one at a time. I don't even know what the eventual next step is, whether it's something specific in ministry, some kind of mission work, something to do with seminary, or whatever. I just know that God has something planned that he wants me to prepare for. This first step of faith is preparing for something...but I have not a clue what. Just prepare.
I'm beginning to wrestle with how I am to prepare. That's the hard thing, see, I don't really know where I'm going with this, just that I need to prepare myself for a step that's coming. Part of this is confirmation for where I am right now, as a college student in the Religion major and ministry minor. As a student, I am naturally in a state of preparation, as I'm learning all kinds of information and wrestling through issues that are going to prepare me for whatever I end up doing. But, I know there's more, otherwise I don't think God would have been so direct with me.
The first thing that comes to mind is to prepare myself through my knowledge of the scriptures. I need to dive in to the Word and absolutely fall in love with it, letting it sink in to all parts of my life. I need to really become a follower and disciple of Christ by really digging into the Scriptures with all that I have...not just looking up random bits of scripture here and there (which most of the time is for a paper that I'm writing for class), but really reading it, really learning it, really growing from it. If I'm to prepare for something that God has for me that's going to require a step of blind faith, I had better know God's Word better than I do now, so I really know what my faith is in as I step out.
This will be a challenge for me. As I mentioned, it's not a regular habit for me to daily dive in to the scriptures in depth...maybe a verse here or there, but nothing really in depth. Nothing that I'm really growing from, or that's really preparing me for something. Not really as a spiritual discipline of regularly devoting myself to learning the Word. But, this is the first step of faith, which will also be a step of discipline. I need to get into the Word big time, in order to prepare for something that's coming.
Beyond that...I'm not sure how else I should be preparing yet. What I do know is that I need to prepare...because that's what God told me.
More to come on this, I'm sure. I'm still a little boggled by the whole thing, so maybe clearer thoughts will come with time. More likely, when the time is right, God will reveal each step that I need to take, one at a time.
Here we go!
-Tom
I don't hear God speak directly to me in a very clear, real way very often.
In fact, there have been many times that I've gone many seasons without hearing God's voice clearly, and in my pride and selfishness, I've had to struggle through jealousy of so many of my friends who have had amazing experiences where God has spoken to them in their times of prayer. Cornerstone folks, it was very similar to the Coke video we watched in the service this weekend...I felt jipped with only 8 oz. of Coke, when all my friends were walking around with 2 liters or more.
Well, last year God helped me open my eyes a bit and realize how wrong I was in my thinking. He basically smacked me on the back of the head and said, "What, you don't think I'm trying to get your attention all the time? Look around you!! I am doing so much all around you, speaking through my followers, through my creation, through pastors, sermons, books, etc., and you think I'm not trying to speak to you?"
In that moment, when I did hear his voice directly, prayer that was actually a conversation and not just a one-way street, all I could really do was hide my face. As God poured his words into my mind, I felt the need to just stop talking...his words were completely overwhelming...it was the God of the Universe, speaking to ME! Now, to the point that God was making in that moment, he had been (and still does) speaking to me in so many different ways already, every single day, even in every single moment. But, in that specific moment there, it was quite different. It was God's direct words...and all I could do was hide my face and listen, completely overwhelmed.
I had another one of those experiences last night. In the Gathering service at Hope, we had our time of communion, which tends to take a while with around 1300 people there, even with like 9 stations. I hopped up right away with my one good leg to take communion before I would have had to wait in line with my crutches, and I had the rest of the time to sit in the pew, taking time to pray. And as I did, God met me in that prayer.
Honestly, I don't remember everything that I was praying at that moment, and that was less than 24 hours ago. Much of it was probably me rambling some religious speak, praying the "right" things. But in part of the prayer, I was praying with a lot of the thoughts from last night's post that I finished up after the Gathering, about turning back to God after knowing that I messed up, and unsure of how to really come back to Him...how to really humble myself, whether he was really meeting me there, or whether I wasn't really coming to him fully...in the language of the last post, whether I was coming with all of my heart, including the inmost parts, instead of just coming with the surface gunk. And then, he spoke, taking my prayer in a new direction.
"You're going to have to take a step of faith, Tom."
It totally caught me off guard...here I was rambling in thought about something different, and these words were ever-strong in my head. Before I even knew that I was in a direct conversation with the living God, I reactively asked, "A step of faith? Well, what do you mean? What is this about? Am I going to know where this step will take me?"
"Yes...but not all at once, and not right now. I will show you one step at a time, and you'll have to take that step, not knowing what the next one is, but knowing I will provide it."
"Ok....well, what's the first step?"
"PREPARE."
It was a this moment that I stopped...it finally sunk in that God was speaking to me, and I didn't have words anymore...I put my face in my hands, completely overwhelmed, just listening to this last word echoing in my head.
"PREPARE."
After simply sitting there with my hands in my face, completely overwhelmed, other thoughts started slowly coming into my head. In fact, they have been slowly ever since.
So, God does have something planned, something that is going to take a step of faith...well, probably many steps of faith, one at a time. I don't even know what the eventual next step is, whether it's something specific in ministry, some kind of mission work, something to do with seminary, or whatever. I just know that God has something planned that he wants me to prepare for. This first step of faith is preparing for something...but I have not a clue what. Just prepare.
I'm beginning to wrestle with how I am to prepare. That's the hard thing, see, I don't really know where I'm going with this, just that I need to prepare myself for a step that's coming. Part of this is confirmation for where I am right now, as a college student in the Religion major and ministry minor. As a student, I am naturally in a state of preparation, as I'm learning all kinds of information and wrestling through issues that are going to prepare me for whatever I end up doing. But, I know there's more, otherwise I don't think God would have been so direct with me.
The first thing that comes to mind is to prepare myself through my knowledge of the scriptures. I need to dive in to the Word and absolutely fall in love with it, letting it sink in to all parts of my life. I need to really become a follower and disciple of Christ by really digging into the Scriptures with all that I have...not just looking up random bits of scripture here and there (which most of the time is for a paper that I'm writing for class), but really reading it, really learning it, really growing from it. If I'm to prepare for something that God has for me that's going to require a step of blind faith, I had better know God's Word better than I do now, so I really know what my faith is in as I step out.
This will be a challenge for me. As I mentioned, it's not a regular habit for me to daily dive in to the scriptures in depth...maybe a verse here or there, but nothing really in depth. Nothing that I'm really growing from, or that's really preparing me for something. Not really as a spiritual discipline of regularly devoting myself to learning the Word. But, this is the first step of faith, which will also be a step of discipline. I need to get into the Word big time, in order to prepare for something that's coming.
Beyond that...I'm not sure how else I should be preparing yet. What I do know is that I need to prepare...because that's what God told me.
More to come on this, I'm sure. I'm still a little boggled by the whole thing, so maybe clearer thoughts will come with time. More likely, when the time is right, God will reveal each step that I need to take, one at a time.
Here we go!
-Tom
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Gameboys and Gunk
When I was a kid, my parents gave me a rule. I had a Gameboy color, and I loved that thing...specifically, whatever the new Pokemon game was (probably yellow version...classic). But, the rule was this: I could play at home if my homework was done, but I was not allowed to take my gameboy on the school bus with me and play on the ride to and from school. They were clear that there needed to be priorities, and that on the ride to school, that was school time. It wasn't a time for video games, it was a time for school.
Well...I nodded and smiled like any good 5th grader..."oh of course, Mom and Dad. I won't take it on the bus." In the back of my mind...I knew what I was gonna do. I was gonna sneak that sucker into my backpack and pull it out once I was on the bus, and I was gonna try to beat that next gym leader, gosh darnit...and no stupid rule from my parents was gonna stop me. Plus, I was so sneaky and crafty that there was no way I would be caught! No...I was wayyy too good for that too happen. I could do whatever I wanted, and my parents would never know.
One day, I had a bottle of hair gel in my backpack for some reason, and like any 5th grader, I completely forgot it was in there with how I treated my bag, throwing it around like there wasn't anything in there. Well, the bottle of gel exploded, leaving nasty, goopy hair gel all over the inside of my bag. It wasn't until I got home in the living room that I realized my mistake. Gel was now coating my binders and notebooks, and I needed to get them out and clean them off. I asked my dad to come and help me with this, and we began slowly pulling out the items that were covered in gel. First, the binder. Then, the notebook and the planner and agenda. Then, my dad's hand reached further in the bag. It was exactly at that moment that I had forgotten about my "brilliant" plan, thinking I could do what I wanted and hide the truth from my parents. Instinctively, I tried to reach into the bag before he could, one last attempt at hiding the truth from my dad that I had been playing my Gameboy on the bus...but it was too late. His hand was already in the bag, and he slowly pulled the Gameboy, half-covered in goopy hair gel, out of the bag.
My heart immediately sunk. I was busted. I was SO busted. I mean, I was really, really busted. I had asked my dad to help me clean out my bag, with hair gel covering all of my school materials, and he stuck his hand in there deeper than I thought he would, and pulled out what I thought I could hide from him. And I was in big, big trouble.
I felt terrible. Well, to be honest, I kind of only felt terrible because I got caught, and there were going to be consequences. I was going to be grounded, and I wasn't going to be able to have fun like all of my friends. But, I also felt terrible because I had been hiding something from my parents, and once it was unveiled, I felt foolish. Hiding things from my parents always seemed like a good idea at the time, but it never ended well...and this was no exception. I even just felt bad because I had disobeyed my parents. They had set a rule and expected something of me, and I had let them down. I did what was wrong, and my conscious was ringing loud in my ear.
I was most definitely punished that day. There were consequences. The Gameboy was taken away, and I was grounded. (I can't remember how long for, but I do remember that it was long enough for me to remember I shouldn't do that again). And yet, my dad didn't just yell and scream at me in anger and punish me that way. He most definitely did discipline me, but in it he explained to me why what I did was wrong, and why I couldn't do it again. There were consequences, but he didn't set those consequences out of his anger at my rebellion, but rather out of his love for me.
Now, when I look back on this event 10 years ago, I know why they set that as a rule. I understand why it was forbidden, and why I should not have done it. I understand why my dad was disappointed in me, and why he punished me. You see, my dad loved (and still loves) me, and he wanted me to learn a few lessons...that I could not disobey my parents' rules, that I could not try to hide things from them, and that I could not lie to them. Out of love, I was punished...and it wasn't fun. In fact, it really sucked. But I grew from that, and I did learn my lesson. Not to say I never hid anything from my parents again, nor that from then on I did exactly as they told me...but, to this day, that moment of being caught with the gel-covered Gameboy has stuck with me.
___
So many times, we try to hide things from God. We follow most of the rules, but there are one, two, or maybe even a few specific things that we just flat-out rebel against. We know it's wrong, but we do it anyways. We think that we can hide it in the deepest parts of our hearts where it won't be seen by anyone else, including God. As long as we are good on the surface, and as long as we are nice little Christians for the rest of the time, we'll be alright.
Well, because we're not perfect, there's some gunk that ends up in our lives, even on the surface. In our hearts, we have this nasty goop. We're often not aware of it, mindlessly going around doing whatever, until maybe we get to church and hear a sermon, or read scripture, or hear a song, or through some sort of conviction and realization that there is some gunk in our hearts that is covering everything else in there. Even the good things in our heart are partly covered by the gunk. At first, we'll try to clean it ourselves...but we just can't do it on our own.
So, we call out to God, and we ask him to help us clean out the gunk. He reaches into our hearts, grabbing our love for our friends, and he helps us remove the gunk of our desire to be popular and "cool" among everyone we meet. He reaches a little deeper, and finds the gifts he's given us that we can share with everyone around us, and he helps us remove the gunk of our pride, thinking that it's our gifts that we can use for our glory.
And then, he starts to reach deeper into our hearts. All the sudden, we realize where God's going, and we panic. We try one last time, one last frantic effort, to hide our deepest, darkest secret, the one we've been trying to hide from God and from everyone else around us. But, it's too late. God reaches his hands deep into our hearts, and he pulls out our flat-out rebellion, and he holds it up into the light in front of us.
Now, we know we're done. We're at the lowest of the low, as our deepest, darkest secrets, half covered in gunk no less, are in God's hands, held out in front of us. We're able to see these dark parts of our hearts clearly now, and we feel remorse. First, we feel bad, because we know there will be consequences. But, the conviction comes when we realize that we've been trying to hide something from our Heavenly Father who loves us beyond our understanding. We realize that we have been blatantly rebelling against God's commands, thinking we could do whatever we want...but, now we see the Almighty God, the One with the power beyond nature's worst catastrophes, catching us red-handed...and in our fear of him, we realize how foolish we really are.
There are consequences. But, in our broken state, in our moment of shame and guilt, God picks us up out of love. He's disappointed in what we have done, but he still loves us more than we could ever comprehend. He doesn't want us to feel shame, but instead to be convicted to change. He explains to us why what we have done is wrong, and why we must change. Out of his love for us, we are disciplined. But, from the consequences, we learn a lesson, and we learn why we must turn away from whatever this sin is in our lives.
As time passes, if we are fortunate enough, we even learn why God commanded it in the first place, and why God wanted us to stay away from whatever it was. God wants us to be free from all slavery, and so he gives us commands to live by. Yet, we continually disregard these commands, thinking we can do as we please. We think we can hide it from him, storing it in the deepest part of our hearts. We still try to live as sons and daughters of God, and we ask for forgiveness for all of the other things we continually mess up. We ask him to clean out our hearts, thinking of the gunk that rests in the surface.
But, our God reaches in deeper. He goes to the core, to the inmost parts of our hearts, where we keep our junk...because it's there, in the deepest part, that he truly wants to clean...even if it means creating our worst fear, of our darkest secrets being out in the open. And he does this out of his love for us, a love that nothing (NOTHING!!!) can separate us from (Rom. 8:38-39).
___
Ask God to remove the gunk in your life. He'll do that, and then he'll reach deeper...and it'll hurt. But, his love is greater than anything else, and through the pain comes a true freedom that nothing or no one else can provide.
Psalm 51:1-12 (NIV, v6 Amplified Bible)
Well...I nodded and smiled like any good 5th grader..."oh of course, Mom and Dad. I won't take it on the bus." In the back of my mind...I knew what I was gonna do. I was gonna sneak that sucker into my backpack and pull it out once I was on the bus, and I was gonna try to beat that next gym leader, gosh darnit...and no stupid rule from my parents was gonna stop me. Plus, I was so sneaky and crafty that there was no way I would be caught! No...I was wayyy too good for that too happen. I could do whatever I wanted, and my parents would never know.
One day, I had a bottle of hair gel in my backpack for some reason, and like any 5th grader, I completely forgot it was in there with how I treated my bag, throwing it around like there wasn't anything in there. Well, the bottle of gel exploded, leaving nasty, goopy hair gel all over the inside of my bag. It wasn't until I got home in the living room that I realized my mistake. Gel was now coating my binders and notebooks, and I needed to get them out and clean them off. I asked my dad to come and help me with this, and we began slowly pulling out the items that were covered in gel. First, the binder. Then, the notebook and the planner and agenda. Then, my dad's hand reached further in the bag. It was exactly at that moment that I had forgotten about my "brilliant" plan, thinking I could do what I wanted and hide the truth from my parents. Instinctively, I tried to reach into the bag before he could, one last attempt at hiding the truth from my dad that I had been playing my Gameboy on the bus...but it was too late. His hand was already in the bag, and he slowly pulled the Gameboy, half-covered in goopy hair gel, out of the bag.
My heart immediately sunk. I was busted. I was SO busted. I mean, I was really, really busted. I had asked my dad to help me clean out my bag, with hair gel covering all of my school materials, and he stuck his hand in there deeper than I thought he would, and pulled out what I thought I could hide from him. And I was in big, big trouble.
I felt terrible. Well, to be honest, I kind of only felt terrible because I got caught, and there were going to be consequences. I was going to be grounded, and I wasn't going to be able to have fun like all of my friends. But, I also felt terrible because I had been hiding something from my parents, and once it was unveiled, I felt foolish. Hiding things from my parents always seemed like a good idea at the time, but it never ended well...and this was no exception. I even just felt bad because I had disobeyed my parents. They had set a rule and expected something of me, and I had let them down. I did what was wrong, and my conscious was ringing loud in my ear.
I was most definitely punished that day. There were consequences. The Gameboy was taken away, and I was grounded. (I can't remember how long for, but I do remember that it was long enough for me to remember I shouldn't do that again). And yet, my dad didn't just yell and scream at me in anger and punish me that way. He most definitely did discipline me, but in it he explained to me why what I did was wrong, and why I couldn't do it again. There were consequences, but he didn't set those consequences out of his anger at my rebellion, but rather out of his love for me.
Now, when I look back on this event 10 years ago, I know why they set that as a rule. I understand why it was forbidden, and why I should not have done it. I understand why my dad was disappointed in me, and why he punished me. You see, my dad loved (and still loves) me, and he wanted me to learn a few lessons...that I could not disobey my parents' rules, that I could not try to hide things from them, and that I could not lie to them. Out of love, I was punished...and it wasn't fun. In fact, it really sucked. But I grew from that, and I did learn my lesson. Not to say I never hid anything from my parents again, nor that from then on I did exactly as they told me...but, to this day, that moment of being caught with the gel-covered Gameboy has stuck with me.
___
So many times, we try to hide things from God. We follow most of the rules, but there are one, two, or maybe even a few specific things that we just flat-out rebel against. We know it's wrong, but we do it anyways. We think that we can hide it in the deepest parts of our hearts where it won't be seen by anyone else, including God. As long as we are good on the surface, and as long as we are nice little Christians for the rest of the time, we'll be alright.
Well, because we're not perfect, there's some gunk that ends up in our lives, even on the surface. In our hearts, we have this nasty goop. We're often not aware of it, mindlessly going around doing whatever, until maybe we get to church and hear a sermon, or read scripture, or hear a song, or through some sort of conviction and realization that there is some gunk in our hearts that is covering everything else in there. Even the good things in our heart are partly covered by the gunk. At first, we'll try to clean it ourselves...but we just can't do it on our own.
So, we call out to God, and we ask him to help us clean out the gunk. He reaches into our hearts, grabbing our love for our friends, and he helps us remove the gunk of our desire to be popular and "cool" among everyone we meet. He reaches a little deeper, and finds the gifts he's given us that we can share with everyone around us, and he helps us remove the gunk of our pride, thinking that it's our gifts that we can use for our glory.
And then, he starts to reach deeper into our hearts. All the sudden, we realize where God's going, and we panic. We try one last time, one last frantic effort, to hide our deepest, darkest secret, the one we've been trying to hide from God and from everyone else around us. But, it's too late. God reaches his hands deep into our hearts, and he pulls out our flat-out rebellion, and he holds it up into the light in front of us.
Now, we know we're done. We're at the lowest of the low, as our deepest, darkest secrets, half covered in gunk no less, are in God's hands, held out in front of us. We're able to see these dark parts of our hearts clearly now, and we feel remorse. First, we feel bad, because we know there will be consequences. But, the conviction comes when we realize that we've been trying to hide something from our Heavenly Father who loves us beyond our understanding. We realize that we have been blatantly rebelling against God's commands, thinking we could do whatever we want...but, now we see the Almighty God, the One with the power beyond nature's worst catastrophes, catching us red-handed...and in our fear of him, we realize how foolish we really are.
There are consequences. But, in our broken state, in our moment of shame and guilt, God picks us up out of love. He's disappointed in what we have done, but he still loves us more than we could ever comprehend. He doesn't want us to feel shame, but instead to be convicted to change. He explains to us why what we have done is wrong, and why we must change. Out of his love for us, we are disciplined. But, from the consequences, we learn a lesson, and we learn why we must turn away from whatever this sin is in our lives.
As time passes, if we are fortunate enough, we even learn why God commanded it in the first place, and why God wanted us to stay away from whatever it was. God wants us to be free from all slavery, and so he gives us commands to live by. Yet, we continually disregard these commands, thinking we can do as we please. We think we can hide it from him, storing it in the deepest part of our hearts. We still try to live as sons and daughters of God, and we ask for forgiveness for all of the other things we continually mess up. We ask him to clean out our hearts, thinking of the gunk that rests in the surface.
But, our God reaches in deeper. He goes to the core, to the inmost parts of our hearts, where we keep our junk...because it's there, in the deepest part, that he truly wants to clean...even if it means creating our worst fear, of our darkest secrets being out in the open. And he does this out of his love for us, a love that nothing (NOTHING!!!) can separate us from (Rom. 8:38-39).
___
Ask God to remove the gunk in your life. He'll do that, and then he'll reach deeper...and it'll hurt. But, his love is greater than anything else, and through the pain comes a true freedom that nothing or no one else can provide.
Psalm 51:1-12 (NIV, v6 Amplified Bible)
1 Have mercy on me, O God,
according to your unfailing love;
according to your great compassion
blot out my transgressions.
2 Wash away all my iniquity
and cleanse me from my sin.
according to your unfailing love;
according to your great compassion
blot out my transgressions.
2 Wash away all my iniquity
and cleanse me from my sin.
3 For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is always before me.
4 Against you, you only, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight;
so you are right in your verdict
and justified when you judge.
5 Surely I was sinful at birth,
sinful from the time my mother conceived me.
6 Yet you desire truth in the inner being;
and my sin is always before me.
4 Against you, you only, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight;
so you are right in your verdict
and justified when you judge.
5 Surely I was sinful at birth,
sinful from the time my mother conceived me.
6 Yet you desire truth in the inner being;
make me therefore to know wisdom in my inmost heart.
7 Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
8 Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones you have crushed rejoice.
9 Hide your face from my sins
and blot out all my iniquity.
wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
8 Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones you have crushed rejoice.
9 Hide your face from my sins
and blot out all my iniquity.
10 Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
11 Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.
12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
11 Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.
12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.
-Tom
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Dependence
It's funny how we look at our life one week at a time, one month at a time, a year, 4 years, and even more...and yet, life can change in the smallest moment of time. In just a split-second, everything can change.
January 24th at around 9:50am, I was playing indoor soccer on a gym floor as a part of a 1-credit class, and life was one thing. And then, in an instant, life was something very different. I went to change directions, my foot gripped the floor and didn't move with the rest of my body, and my ankle dislocated. I went to the ground, yelling out in pain, as my ankle pointed a direction it shouldn't. 1 second earlier, I had been running on two legs.
Funny how that happens.
All said and done, I tore all the ligaments in my ankle and broke my fibula right at the bottom down by the ankle. (For non-medical folks: Fibula = bone in your lower leg behind your shin bone, the Tibia) Clean break, nothing compound, but requiring surgery. That took place a week later, and I woke up from surgery with a plate and 7 screws in my fibula, and a long screw going through both the Tibia and Fibula, holding them together after I tore the tissue between the bones that holds them together. Since, I have been home recovering, returning to Hope this week just for classes on Tuesday and Thursday. I'll get a hard cast on Tuesday, which will be there for 6 weeks, through the end of March. Until then, it's all crutches or scooter...no weight on the left leg.
One second, I could walk, even run, on two legs. The next, only one leg. One moment, everything changed.
Since then, I have been slowly learning all the ways that things are going to be different for the next 6 weeks. There's the obvious, that I can't walk except with the help of crutches. I can't walk carrying anything in my hands. Walking is slower. It takes longer to get to class, to get to or from my car, to get anywhere. Making food is slower and much more difficult. Eating at Phelps doesn't happen unless someone carries my food for me. If there's something I need that's simply 8 feet away from me, it requires a much greater effort of crutching over to get it...and even then, I can't even carry it back to where I was. I can't pack up my stuff to move back into Hope, I can't shower normally, it takes way longer to change clothes...I could go on.
I am temporarily disabled. And with that, my dependence on other people has gone up dramatically. There are many things that I simply cannot do by myself, such as carrying my food from one place to another to eat. There are others that are dramatically more challenging to do by myself, such as open doors for myself. Already, I've been seeing how dependent I really am on other people around me. More interesting, I've been noticing how much I have been resisting this dependence with all that I am.
Call me an American...better yet, call me an American college student, because I love my independence. I love being able to go wherever I want, whenever I want. I love having my own place to live, that isn't my parents' house. I love being able to eat whenever I want, I love providing my own needs, getting things done by myself, accomplishing tasks depending only on my efforts and intelligence. I love my independence. And much of that is gone now.
One of the hardest parts of recovering thus far is the simple realization of how dependent I really am on people now. Or, probably more accurate, I've realized that I could try to be independent and do things by myself, but life would be about 100x easier if I would just be willing to humble myself and ask for someone to grab the door for me, to carry my food, or to pick something up for me. I could do things on my own, completely by myself...sure, I'd live. But, how much better would life be if I allowed myself to truly depend on others around me?
And just like that, I received a new insight into my relationship with God.
You see, I could depend on God. I mean, I know he's God, and he can do anything, so surely he could help me with anything I needed. But, 1, I'd much rather be independent and do things all by myself, or 2, I know he'll help me in a way I don't really want to be helped. (Like teaching me a lesson in dependency...).
These next couple months, I'll have a broken leg that I need to stay off of that forces me to depend on others around me. But for my entire life, I am weakened by my earthly condition. My spiritual broken leg shows up as my flesh, or my sinful nature. I am crippled by it, and because of it, I can't walk, I can't stand firm on two feet, and I can't reach out towards others, because I'm too busy holding on to my own crutches that help me walk by myself. See, I try to deal with my sinful nature by myself...I made these two crutches that I lean on, and they help me walk on my one good leg. And, I can kind of live like this. I mean, I can get by...I can survive. That's good enough, right?
That just sounds crazy put in those words...like I would think that I could truly do things all by myself with a broken leg. And yet, this is what I do with God! The God of the universe, the almighty creator, whose wisdom is beyond any human on earth...He stands and waits, desiring us to depend on Him. He's the only one who is really dependable anyways. Any crutch that I try to make to spiritually hobble through life is going to break eventually, and I'm going to fall, and try to catch myself on my two feet...but one of them is broken, and it's going to hurt.
(Ok...at this point, I think I have successfully killed this metaphor...but, still hang with me.)
Our God desires us to depend on him, and him alone. He is a jealous God, that demands that we love him more than anyone else. In his wisdom, he reminds us to put our hope in him and his kingdom to come, because anything else we put our hope in will let us down. No matter our inclination toward independence, God desires us to depend on him.
Dependence is a hard lesson to learn, whether it's in the little things of life after breaking a leg, or in our relationship with God, depending on his forgiveness rather than just our will-power to avoid sinning. Yet, this is a lesson I am only starting to learn, and one I'm sure I'll be continually learning about for the rest of my life. I will be praying that God continues to reveal to me the areas that I need to depend on him.
God, please teach me to replace my inclination to seek independence with dependence in you and your people.
_____
Sidenote, Another thing I've noticed in the beginning of depending on other people through my healing process...I have been fortunate enough to see the servant-hearts in so many people who have offered to help me with whatever they can...and it's been beautiful. With this injury, I've been given the unique opportunity to witness people serving those around them first-hand. This is something I know I wouldn't have been able to notice if I had continued to try and do everything independently.
If you've helped me with anything in the last 3 weeks...thank you. Not only for serving me, but for showing me your servant heart. May God bless you, and may you continue to serve others around you, and to serve him with that same heart.
-Tom
January 24th at around 9:50am, I was playing indoor soccer on a gym floor as a part of a 1-credit class, and life was one thing. And then, in an instant, life was something very different. I went to change directions, my foot gripped the floor and didn't move with the rest of my body, and my ankle dislocated. I went to the ground, yelling out in pain, as my ankle pointed a direction it shouldn't. 1 second earlier, I had been running on two legs.
Funny how that happens.
All said and done, I tore all the ligaments in my ankle and broke my fibula right at the bottom down by the ankle. (For non-medical folks: Fibula = bone in your lower leg behind your shin bone, the Tibia) Clean break, nothing compound, but requiring surgery. That took place a week later, and I woke up from surgery with a plate and 7 screws in my fibula, and a long screw going through both the Tibia and Fibula, holding them together after I tore the tissue between the bones that holds them together. Since, I have been home recovering, returning to Hope this week just for classes on Tuesday and Thursday. I'll get a hard cast on Tuesday, which will be there for 6 weeks, through the end of March. Until then, it's all crutches or scooter...no weight on the left leg.
One second, I could walk, even run, on two legs. The next, only one leg. One moment, everything changed.
Since then, I have been slowly learning all the ways that things are going to be different for the next 6 weeks. There's the obvious, that I can't walk except with the help of crutches. I can't walk carrying anything in my hands. Walking is slower. It takes longer to get to class, to get to or from my car, to get anywhere. Making food is slower and much more difficult. Eating at Phelps doesn't happen unless someone carries my food for me. If there's something I need that's simply 8 feet away from me, it requires a much greater effort of crutching over to get it...and even then, I can't even carry it back to where I was. I can't pack up my stuff to move back into Hope, I can't shower normally, it takes way longer to change clothes...I could go on.
I am temporarily disabled. And with that, my dependence on other people has gone up dramatically. There are many things that I simply cannot do by myself, such as carrying my food from one place to another to eat. There are others that are dramatically more challenging to do by myself, such as open doors for myself. Already, I've been seeing how dependent I really am on other people around me. More interesting, I've been noticing how much I have been resisting this dependence with all that I am.
Call me an American...better yet, call me an American college student, because I love my independence. I love being able to go wherever I want, whenever I want. I love having my own place to live, that isn't my parents' house. I love being able to eat whenever I want, I love providing my own needs, getting things done by myself, accomplishing tasks depending only on my efforts and intelligence. I love my independence. And much of that is gone now.
One of the hardest parts of recovering thus far is the simple realization of how dependent I really am on people now. Or, probably more accurate, I've realized that I could try to be independent and do things by myself, but life would be about 100x easier if I would just be willing to humble myself and ask for someone to grab the door for me, to carry my food, or to pick something up for me. I could do things on my own, completely by myself...sure, I'd live. But, how much better would life be if I allowed myself to truly depend on others around me?
And just like that, I received a new insight into my relationship with God.
You see, I could depend on God. I mean, I know he's God, and he can do anything, so surely he could help me with anything I needed. But, 1, I'd much rather be independent and do things all by myself, or 2, I know he'll help me in a way I don't really want to be helped. (Like teaching me a lesson in dependency...).
These next couple months, I'll have a broken leg that I need to stay off of that forces me to depend on others around me. But for my entire life, I am weakened by my earthly condition. My spiritual broken leg shows up as my flesh, or my sinful nature. I am crippled by it, and because of it, I can't walk, I can't stand firm on two feet, and I can't reach out towards others, because I'm too busy holding on to my own crutches that help me walk by myself. See, I try to deal with my sinful nature by myself...I made these two crutches that I lean on, and they help me walk on my one good leg. And, I can kind of live like this. I mean, I can get by...I can survive. That's good enough, right?
That just sounds crazy put in those words...like I would think that I could truly do things all by myself with a broken leg. And yet, this is what I do with God! The God of the universe, the almighty creator, whose wisdom is beyond any human on earth...He stands and waits, desiring us to depend on Him. He's the only one who is really dependable anyways. Any crutch that I try to make to spiritually hobble through life is going to break eventually, and I'm going to fall, and try to catch myself on my two feet...but one of them is broken, and it's going to hurt.
(Ok...at this point, I think I have successfully killed this metaphor...but, still hang with me.)
Our God desires us to depend on him, and him alone. He is a jealous God, that demands that we love him more than anyone else. In his wisdom, he reminds us to put our hope in him and his kingdom to come, because anything else we put our hope in will let us down. No matter our inclination toward independence, God desires us to depend on him.
Dependence is a hard lesson to learn, whether it's in the little things of life after breaking a leg, or in our relationship with God, depending on his forgiveness rather than just our will-power to avoid sinning. Yet, this is a lesson I am only starting to learn, and one I'm sure I'll be continually learning about for the rest of my life. I will be praying that God continues to reveal to me the areas that I need to depend on him.
God, please teach me to replace my inclination to seek independence with dependence in you and your people.
_____
Sidenote, Another thing I've noticed in the beginning of depending on other people through my healing process...I have been fortunate enough to see the servant-hearts in so many people who have offered to help me with whatever they can...and it's been beautiful. With this injury, I've been given the unique opportunity to witness people serving those around them first-hand. This is something I know I wouldn't have been able to notice if I had continued to try and do everything independently.
If you've helped me with anything in the last 3 weeks...thank you. Not only for serving me, but for showing me your servant heart. May God bless you, and may you continue to serve others around you, and to serve him with that same heart.
-Tom
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
The First
This by no means is the first online blog that I've ever had.
In fact, it's not even the second, or probably even the third.
Many times I have created a blog, thinking that it would be something I would consistently post and update as a way to constantly be journalling, putting my thoughts into words that I could look back on at a later time and remember what I was thinking at that time, even if it was in an online, public setting rather than a personal and private. However, something has always gotten in the way...at times, the busyness of life. But more likely (and honestly), laziness has always crept in, and I have just fallen away from keeping it updated...to the point that I forget the password, or even the blog name itself, so even if I wanted to do a new post, I literally could not.
So, of course, I'm doing the sensible thing and simply making a new blog, exactly like I've done in the past, and hoping for a different result here. (side note...isn't insanity defined by Einstein as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results? hmm...)
I found inspiration to start a new blog, if nothing else just to have a consistent blog that I can keep for hopefully a long time here. For one, I'm going to save the name and password so I don't literally lose the blog and have to start over again.
This blog will include a little of the personal "this is going on in my life" kind of stuff, but I'm hoping to verbalize what God is teaching me through scripture or prayer, or any concepts that I'm wrestling with and praying through. Although I am a college student who has gotten pretty decent at composing cohesive, well-flowing papers, there are no guarantees that all posts will be polished with a good flow and easy-to-follow structure...I'm sure there will be many of these that are as all over the place as my thoughts can be. Yet, that's often the point of writing them out...things are foggy and tend to swirl when kept in the mind, but when they are turned into spoken or written word, they take on form and meaning, and what you thought was just a bunch of random and confusing ideas turns into something pretty amazing.
So...here goes. I'm not sure if anyone will actually read this thing. But if you do...thanks. And, comment! I'd love feedback on any and everything that I'm thinking through with a post.
-Fife
In fact, it's not even the second, or probably even the third.
Many times I have created a blog, thinking that it would be something I would consistently post and update as a way to constantly be journalling, putting my thoughts into words that I could look back on at a later time and remember what I was thinking at that time, even if it was in an online, public setting rather than a personal and private. However, something has always gotten in the way...at times, the busyness of life. But more likely (and honestly), laziness has always crept in, and I have just fallen away from keeping it updated...to the point that I forget the password, or even the blog name itself, so even if I wanted to do a new post, I literally could not.
So, of course, I'm doing the sensible thing and simply making a new blog, exactly like I've done in the past, and hoping for a different result here. (side note...isn't insanity defined by Einstein as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results? hmm...)
I found inspiration to start a new blog, if nothing else just to have a consistent blog that I can keep for hopefully a long time here. For one, I'm going to save the name and password so I don't literally lose the blog and have to start over again.
This blog will include a little of the personal "this is going on in my life" kind of stuff, but I'm hoping to verbalize what God is teaching me through scripture or prayer, or any concepts that I'm wrestling with and praying through. Although I am a college student who has gotten pretty decent at composing cohesive, well-flowing papers, there are no guarantees that all posts will be polished with a good flow and easy-to-follow structure...I'm sure there will be many of these that are as all over the place as my thoughts can be. Yet, that's often the point of writing them out...things are foggy and tend to swirl when kept in the mind, but when they are turned into spoken or written word, they take on form and meaning, and what you thought was just a bunch of random and confusing ideas turns into something pretty amazing.
So...here goes. I'm not sure if anyone will actually read this thing. But if you do...thanks. And, comment! I'd love feedback on any and everything that I'm thinking through with a post.
-Fife
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