It's funny how we look at our life one week at a time, one month at a time, a year, 4 years, and even more...and yet, life can change in the smallest moment of time. In just a split-second, everything can change.
January 24th at around 9:50am, I was playing indoor soccer on a gym floor as a part of a 1-credit class, and life was one thing. And then, in an instant, life was something very different. I went to change directions, my foot gripped the floor and didn't move with the rest of my body, and my ankle dislocated. I went to the ground, yelling out in pain, as my ankle pointed a direction it shouldn't. 1 second earlier, I had been running on two legs.
Funny how that happens.
All said and done, I tore all the ligaments in my ankle and broke my fibula right at the bottom down by the ankle. (For non-medical folks: Fibula = bone in your lower leg behind your shin bone, the Tibia) Clean break, nothing compound, but requiring surgery. That took place a week later, and I woke up from surgery with a plate and 7 screws in my fibula, and a long screw going through both the Tibia and Fibula, holding them together after I tore the tissue between the bones that holds them together. Since, I have been home recovering, returning to Hope this week just for classes on Tuesday and Thursday. I'll get a hard cast on Tuesday, which will be there for 6 weeks, through the end of March. Until then, it's all crutches or scooter...no weight on the left leg.
One second, I could walk, even run, on two legs. The next, only one leg. One moment, everything changed.
Since then, I have been slowly learning all the ways that things are going to be different for the next 6 weeks. There's the obvious, that I can't walk except with the help of crutches. I can't walk carrying anything in my hands. Walking is slower. It takes longer to get to class, to get to or from my car, to get anywhere. Making food is slower and much more difficult. Eating at Phelps doesn't happen unless someone carries my food for me. If there's something I need that's simply 8 feet away from me, it requires a much greater effort of crutching over to get it...and even then, I can't even carry it back to where I was. I can't pack up my stuff to move back into Hope, I can't shower normally, it takes way longer to change clothes...I could go on.
I am temporarily disabled. And with that, my dependence on other people has gone up dramatically. There are many things that I simply cannot do by myself, such as carrying my food from one place to another to eat. There are others that are dramatically more challenging to do by myself, such as open doors for myself. Already, I've been seeing how dependent I really am on other people around me. More interesting, I've been noticing how much I have been resisting this dependence with all that I am.
Call me an American...better yet, call me an American college student, because I love my independence. I love being able to go wherever I want, whenever I want. I love having my own place to live, that isn't my parents' house. I love being able to eat whenever I want, I love providing my own needs, getting things done by myself, accomplishing tasks depending only on my efforts and intelligence. I love my independence. And much of that is gone now.
One of the hardest parts of recovering thus far is the simple realization of how dependent I really am on people now. Or, probably more accurate, I've realized that I could try to be independent and do things by myself, but life would be about 100x easier if I would just be willing to humble myself and ask for someone to grab the door for me, to carry my food, or to pick something up for me. I could do things on my own, completely by myself...sure, I'd live. But, how much better would life be if I allowed myself to truly depend on others around me?
And just like that, I received a new insight into my relationship with God.
You see, I could depend on God. I mean, I know he's God, and he can do anything, so surely he could help me with anything I needed. But, 1, I'd much rather be independent and do things all by myself, or 2, I know he'll help me in a way I don't really want to be helped. (Like teaching me a lesson in dependency...).
These next couple months, I'll have a broken leg that I need to stay off of that forces me to depend on others around me. But for my entire life, I am weakened by my earthly condition. My spiritual broken leg shows up as my flesh, or my sinful nature. I am crippled by it, and because of it, I can't walk, I can't stand firm on two feet, and I can't reach out towards others, because I'm too busy holding on to my own crutches that help me walk by myself. See, I try to deal with my sinful nature by myself...I made these two crutches that I lean on, and they help me walk on my one good leg. And, I can kind of live like this. I mean, I can get by...I can survive. That's good enough, right?
That just sounds crazy put in those words...like I would think that I could truly do things all by myself with a broken leg. And yet, this is what I do with God! The God of the universe, the almighty creator, whose wisdom is beyond any human on earth...He stands and waits, desiring us to depend on Him. He's the only one who is really dependable anyways. Any crutch that I try to make to spiritually hobble through life is going to break eventually, and I'm going to fall, and try to catch myself on my two feet...but one of them is broken, and it's going to hurt.
(Ok...at this point, I think I have successfully killed this metaphor...but, still hang with me.)
Our God desires us to depend on him, and him alone. He is a jealous God, that demands that we love him more than anyone else. In his wisdom, he reminds us to put our hope in him and his kingdom to come, because anything else we put our hope in will let us down. No matter our inclination toward independence, God desires us to depend on him.
Dependence is a hard lesson to learn, whether it's in the little things of life after breaking a leg, or in our relationship with God, depending on his forgiveness rather than just our will-power to avoid sinning. Yet, this is a lesson I am only starting to learn, and one I'm sure I'll be continually learning about for the rest of my life. I will be praying that God continues to reveal to me the areas that I need to depend on him.
God, please teach me to replace my inclination to seek independence with dependence in you and your people.
_____
Sidenote, Another thing I've noticed in the beginning of depending on other people through my healing process...I have been fortunate enough to see the servant-hearts in so many people who have offered to help me with whatever they can...and it's been beautiful. With this injury, I've been given the unique opportunity to witness people serving those around them first-hand. This is something I know I wouldn't have been able to notice if I had continued to try and do everything independently.
If you've helped me with anything in the last 3 weeks...thank you. Not only for serving me, but for showing me your servant heart. May God bless you, and may you continue to serve others around you, and to serve him with that same heart.
-Tom
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