God is good, All the time.

A few hours ago, I had a cool moment in which a song came on my iPod that made me reflect about God's beauty, which surpasses even the greatest beauty we can think of on this earth, and how this same God poured himself out for us that we may have life, and life to the fullest. And, we even look forward to when the Kingdom is fully restored on earth, and the bride of Christ, all of us, returns to Christ. It was a cool moment of worship, especially in light of Valentine's Day. To me, it was powerful to compare the "love" of this holiday to the true love of the beautiful God.

It was a moment that made me praise God's greatness, worship his power and majesty, adore his presence and love.

And then, not 2 hours later, I heard some pretty awful news.

Initially, I didn't know anything...just that there were nearly 100 posts of "praying for you" on a friend's facebook wall. I wish I could say that this was the first, second, or even third time I'd learned of some awful news like that in the last year. Information has since slowly started to come in, and most likely will still come in with a further explanation of what happened. But, there was an accident of some kind, resulting in internal bleeding, multiple surgeries, and intubation.

A dear friend of mine from Hope College, beautiful and bright and strong, now laid up in a hospital bed, weak and perhaps at risk of losing her life if not for the amazing blessing that is modern medicine.

Every time I hear of things like this, I get this awful taste in my mouth, this pit in my stomach. I hate pain. I hate car accidents. I hate drunk drivers. I hate heart attacks. I hate rape. I hate abortion. I hate injustice. I hate prejudice. I hate hate. I hate evil. I hate so much of what is in our world, what often runs within our own hearts and minds, if we're honest. And every time I learn of something new, it just hurts.

I think back to my own bout of adversity and health problems from 2011, and all of the anger and frustration that came with that point in my life. I think back to what I felt when it was me going through the hardship. And even though my specific hardship may not "compare" with many of the others around me, I have learned a sense of hurt, of pain, of longing, of disappointment, of loss. These lessons have made me much more sensitive to when I see them around me, which is actually something I'm beginning to be more and more thankful for.

But, I think about the moment of worship I had earlier in the day, when I praised God for his beauty and goodness. In that moment of worship, I posted something about it on facebook because I wanted to share the worship with my friends. After I learned about my friend's situation, my eyes glanced over that post...and honestly, my initial reaction was a sense of guilt or regret. It seems weird, but that post almost seemed trite, irrelevant, overly optimistic to the point of glossing over, completely unrealistic, and just shallow...and I regretted putting it up. What if a mutual friend of the girl saw my post, and felt like my words were empty or stupid in light of what was happening? What if these words were tainted by the situation? Or, worse, what if the situation was made worse by the words I wrote?

See, this was my initial reaction during a long stretch of my journey in 2011, and is still a reaction that I am fighting, something I am still slowly unlearning. The reaction was to think that in light of the hardships of life, in the face of pain and brokenness, of evil, that there wasn't really a place for praise. Praise is for when times are good, but it doesn't really have much to do with hard times. Shoot, praise even becomes insensitive to those struggling through hardship...almost like taunting, because I have something to praise God about, when you are there in deep mourning, or going through great pain, or are barely hanging on to life.

And here, I found myself following this thought pattern for a moment, before I finally snapped out of it and came to my senses. See, this is a lie...and a bad one. This is an evil lie, with an evil source. This is a lie that attempts to silence the praise, the worship, the message of hope, when it is in fact most needed. See, this reaction is all backwards...it states that praise is only for when times are good, and that praise is completely inappropriate when times aren't good...when in fact, I would argue that praise is actually most important in times of deep pain and suffering. That's when we need it the most! Seriously, why would the other way make sense? When else do we desperately need a message of hope than when we are going through hardships that make hope hard?

There is a deep need for lament and for sadness in the face of hardship. As hard as it is, we cannot gloss over pain or loss or suffering; we have to let it slug us in the gut, and we have to feel the wind get knocked out of us. We have to feel it. But, just because we are feeling pain does not mean we cannot praise God. Just because we are suffering does not make any of God's promises or attributes any less true. No...in fact, it is in moments of suffering that our need for these promises and attributes is greatest. It is in these moments that we need hope.

Faith is hard. Hope is hard. Love is hard. Being Christian is hard. Anyone who tells you different is a liar. It is because of evils like racism, sexism, slavery, prejudice, exploitation, and so many others that it is hard to be Christian. Because honestly, it's one thing to believe in a God who is good, beautiful, and who works all things out for the good of those who love him when life is easy. It becomes a completely new challenge when we encounter darkness. And yet, it is in this darkness that the light shines even brighter! And good thing, too, because the darker it gets, the more we need a source of light.

I heard a wonderful sermon delivered by a powerful southern baptist black preacher earlier this day. He preached on Psalms 42 and 43, and about the process of going from singing, to sighing, to silence...and then God's ability to bring us from silence, to sighing, to singing again. He delved into these two psalms, noting the pain in the author's words. The words are full of mourning, of desperation, of hurt, of suffering. Yet, the words are also full of great hope. Both psalms end with: "Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my savior and my God." Even in the midst of all of this pain, God never ceased to be God...and the author recognized this, thus commanding his soul to praise and hope in God, his savior and God. Powerful, powerful words! In THIS moment, in his worst state, he continues to praise! He may feel pain, but he does not forget who God is! He remembers his God, his God's goodness and promises, what God has done for him previously, and his people generations past. In the midst of great sorrow and suffering, he praises.

The pastor ended by saying it is after reading these psalms that we can better understand Psalm 23. Psalm 23 is a well-known psalm of praise and hope in God, who provides and nourishes as a shepherd. Yet, we understand this hope so much better when we go through moments of psalm 42 and 43, when we suffer. When we go through hardships, yet still recognize that God is still who he says he is, no matter what our circumstances are...then, all the sudden, psalm 23 takes on new meaning.

⁴ Even though I walk
   through the darkest valley,
I will fear no evil,
   for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
   they comfort me.

 ⁵ You prepare a table before me
   in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
   my cup overflows.
⁶ Surely your goodness and love will follow me
   all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
   forever.

Now, the darkest valley is no longer a concept; it has a name. It's cancer. It's rape. It's prejudice. It's car accidents. It's heart attacks. It's early deaths. The list goes on. But the promise remains true. Even though I walk through any kind of suffering I may be walking through, I fear no evil...for God is present! He is the shepherd, even now in this valley! He even still prepares a table! And, he reconciles the past, present, and future, so that goodness and love follow. Now that's something I can place my hope in.


Friends, when we go through our dark valleys, may we not stop praising! May we not accept the lie that our circumstances somehow effect God's goodness. Instead, may we praise all the more, delving into his promises with even more fire and passion, holding onto hope with a fiercer grip. Because ultimately, the Gospel is good news, and there is no better time for good news than when there is suffering.


Cannot stop, will not stop, cannot stop Praising the Lord!
Cannot stop, will not stop, cannot stop, gotta keep going on and on and on and on and on and on!






May we continue to pray for Jordan's recovery. Hospitals, surgeries, and ventilators are amazing blessings, and we thank God that they are being used to help Jordan right now. May she continue to recover, and experience God's healing and peace. May she (and all of us) hold onto hope even harder now...and may we do so together.

Christmas Break! Time to BREATHE....

Hi Friends!

I am finally on Christmas Break.  Whew! Made it through a busy semester. Habits weren't great, and I pulled more all-nighters than I care to admit, but the semester is done, and now I am in the lovely season of Christmas Break, where there is rest from the busy school routine, ambition to read everything I cannot during the school year, opportunities to reconnect with friends that I haven't talked to in months (some years!), and many other things.

Yet most important, I feel, is the chance to simply breathe. To just sit, and be.

To be fair, there is still a decent amount of busyness, as I'm always "that guy" that saves his Christmas shopping to the December 20's, as well as learning music and the many rehearsals for Christmas Eve services at church, extended family Christmases, and even a fun skiing trip with the family. (And I've already spent 5 days out west with my sister visiting extended family, skiing, and visiting a seminary!)

Then, you add on preparing for next semester, planning my new routine with a new class schedule, and beginning to think about how I am going to fit seminary visits, applications, and scholarship essays into all of that. Oh yeah, and the Immersion trip I'm co-leading for Spring Break.

Hmm.  Almost seems like breathing is the last thing I'm going to be able to do.

And yet, up to this point, Break has been so good in terms of rest and breathing. And within the space to just breathe, I've begun to finally start reflecting on a lot of things that I haven't been able to do in a long time (...hence the whole super inactive blog thing).  It has been really good to have space to simply sit, think, and just be, and finally reflect on a pretty ridiculous year. Seriously...SO much has happened in 2011, it's insane. I mean, that's true every year...but the more I have been thinking about this last year, the more I realize that so much has happened, a lot of which has had a pretty significant impact on me.

So, here is my commitment to continue this reflection...to take thoughts that have been swirling round and round, and to put them down into paragraphs, sentences, words, characters...to organize what is chaotic and disordered, and to straighten them out into something that flows, that someone logical could follow, and in a way that I can start making even more connections.  To Reflect.

Hopefully, this will help me stay semi-consistent with this blog too, which is good. :-)

Here are the goals for topics (in no particular order):
- 2011: God's goodness and faithfulness through brokenness, infection, healing and restoration
- The tendency toward criticism as opposed to gratitude, and what God desires of us
- A reflection on what it means to enter a completely new year.
- How Christians should react to "Happy Holidays" and "Holiday Trees"

Maybe I'll have more ideas as we go, but for now, I'll stick with that.  Hah, as mentioned above, I do have a good amount going on the next two and a half weeks.

So, for the 9 of you that follow this blog, and any others that may stumble upon it (figuratively speaking, not the literal Stumble Upon procrastination method), know that there are more posts coming.  I feel it in my bones, it is time to reflect...it is time to breathe...to simply be.

It is my prayer for you all that in the midst of busy schedules, routines, and holiday functions, you all will find space to take in a deep breath, to rest, to reflect, and perhaps even to do something inefficient. Be interrupted, so that you may reflect and focus on what is truly most important.

Christmas is a good opportunity for this too...if we were to really think about this, Jesus coming to the world as a baby should provide an adequate interruption, and move us to prayer, reflection, and worship.  :-)

Tom

Awe and Wonder at the Remarkable

This fall, one of my classes has been Luke-Acts, a seminar class on these two books of the bible.  It's been interesting, to say the least, and both challenging and fun to work on the skill of reading scripture closely for themes, motifs, etc., as well as reading through commentaries on scripture.

Wednesday, we had our midterm exam for the class. We have gotten through all of Luke so far, so the midterm was basically on the gospel of Luke.  As I prepared for the midterm, I knew the best thing I could do was to simply read the gospel in order to be familiar with it.  So, Wednesday morning before my first class, I sat in LemonJello's with a mug of Love Buzz on my right, a blueberry muffin on my left, earbuds playing instrumental music by Balmorhea in place (look them up...solid), and the bible in my hands...and I read Luke!

I love that because of what I am studying at Hope, there are times where what I am reading for homework crosses over as what I can also read as a personal devotion in time with God.  However, because of this, a problem arises.  Well, it's not really a problem...but you'll know what I mean.  I set out to read through Luke to review everything I had already read for class, confirming and memorizing themes, and simply to review the material needed for the academic exercise of the midterm.  However, because I was reading the holy Word of God, specifically stories of Christ's ministry on earth, I was constantly moved to a place of awe and worship.  The problem became that my response of awe and worship (which isn't a problem...haha) was distracting me from focusing on overarching themes of the text in order to prepare for a midterm.  However, I was quite alright with being distracted from studying, for what I was reading truly did move me into awe, wonder, and ultimately worship.

I was reading Luke 5, and the healing of the paralytic in verses 17-26 completely captivated my attention.

(I'll sum it up, but you should definitely read it too...it's good stuff.)

Jesus is preaching, and the house is packed.  Some dudes are outside with their friend who is paralyzed.  They've heard about who Jesus is, and they desperately want to have Jesus see their friend...they have hope and faith in what they have heard, that somehow, through this man Jesus, their friend could be healed.  But, the house is packed, they can't get in.  So, they do what we all would do if we showed up to a place at full capacity...climb up to the roof, cut a hole in it, and lower their friend into the house. Likewise, Jesus reacts like any preacher who was interrupted in his sermon would to a person being lowered through a recently-forged hole in the roof...he stops where he's at, sees their great faith, and declares that the man's sins are forgiven.  The Pharisees present don't like this at all...only God can forgive sins!  Jesus knows their thoughts, and demonstrates his power and authority over sin by healing the man right in front of everyone.  Then, the guy stands right up, grabs his mat, and walks home to his house.  In the last verse, we see the response: "Everyone was amazed and gave praise to God. They were filled with awe and said, "We have seen remarkable things today."

I read this section, and instead of continuing on to cover as much of Luke as possible before my exam, I went back and read it again. And again. And as I kept reading it, I began to imagine myself in this scene.  I imagined what it would have been like to witness these things...what I would have thought, what I would have felt, how I would have responded to this series of events.  Here's what I imagined:

____

It's a packed house, and although we are slightly uncomfortable, it is well worth it to be listening to an amazing teacher and prophet preach the word. Out of nowhere, some dudes break open the roof and lower this paralyzed man lying on a mat down.  Murmuring and even angry/annoyed shouts rise up from the crowd; even I am completely astounded at this.  We don't know what to expect from Jesus...maybe he'll rebuke them, tell them to not interrupt, or send them away. But, we definitely don't expect what comes next.  He acknowledges their faith, and forgives the man of his sin.  Now, the murmurs swarm even thicker; everyone is nervously looking around, stealing glances at the group of Pharisees in the middle of the crowd. We know they will NOT be okay with what Jesus just said. But then, Jesus speaks again, seeming to have read everyone's nervous thoughts all at once!

Jesus promises to demonstrate his power and authority over sin, and at this, the room becomes IMMEDIATELY silent, sitting in still anticipation. Is something miraculous going to happen?  The potential of the supernatural permeates every inch of the fully packed, now sunlit room; the moment seems to hang, suspended with an anticipation for something miraculous, something unbelievable, something Holy.

Jesus shouts out to the man, "Stand up!  Rise to your feet, pick up your mat, and walk home!"  For a split second, I think, almost cynically, Something better happen...otherwise, Jesus is going to come off as the most insensitive person on the planet. 

And then, the unthinkable happens.

The man, who I had seen around town for years, who had been paralyzed for as long as I could remember, who I had always seen in his mat surrounded by friends whom he depended on for everything, begins to move.  He starts to sit up, growing taller. Then, his legs begin to move; he slides his feet underneath his hips. Already, I am unbelievably dismayed, and any cynicism that was present has completely vanished...but he's not done.  He presses his feet into the mat lying on the ground, and his body slowly begins to rise.  With every inch he rises, my eyes grow bigger.  I finally realize, this paralyzed man is rising to his feet!  Jesus commanded him to stand, and he is standing!  As he reaches his full height, gasps, shouts, and even screams are rising from the crowd; no one can believe what they are seeing.  He now stands tall, and the fact that he is standing on his own two feet finally dawns on him. He shouts for joy, and we can understand his language completely; not by the words of Greek he speaks, but by the exclamation of his heart and spirit that no language can articulate.

THIS MAN IS STANDING.

The moment of expectation and anticipation that seemed to hang for an eternity has been replaced with awe, wonder, constant eye-rubbing, and joy. This Jesus, the great teacher and prophet, has just given this man the ability to stand, and in doing so has established his ability to forgive sins.  Could it be...could this truly be the Son of God in our midst?

The man is ecstatic, and barely knows what to do with his excitement. But, he remembers the command, and bends at the waist to pick up his mat.  He slings it over his shoulder, and he begins to walk towards the door.  The room, which had before been too packed for anyone to get through, now has a clear path toward the doorway, as the people frantically move out of his way.  Cheers, shouts, whistles, you name it; as the man makes his way through the house, the people erupted.  We all are completely blown away by the fact that he is WALKING back to his house!

In light of seeing this miracle happen, our hearts move to a response. After seeing this type of power and authority used in such a miraculous and truly good way, we remain in the room in complete awe and wonder, and we respond by praising God for what he has done.  Truly, we have seen a remarkable thing today, unlike anything we have seen before.  Our anticipation of something Holy was more than met. We have witnessed the power of God in a way set apart from any other experience.  We are in awe, and we are in wonder; we praise, and we worship.
____


I just imagined myself in that position, in awe of our God, of his greatness, of his goodness, of his power to do something we could not even imagine happening.  Sitting in LJ's in Holland, Michigan with a muffin and a coffee before me in an attempt to study for a class, I was worshiping God for something he did 2000 years ago.  So much awe, so much wonder.

Friends, this God that was able to perform the miracle for that man is the same God that we worship today.  This God that inspired such awe and wonder is the same God that works in our world today.  God is still that awesome, still that wonderful, still that remarkable, still that deserving of our worship and our praise...and he is still working in our world in ways that should blow our minds, if we only noticed what he is up to.

Never forget this; our God is a God of miracles, of the Kingdom to come, and of power and authority for those who have faith to believe that this world can be touched by the living God and changed completely.



It's the Same God.



"Everyone was amazed and gave praise to God. They were filled with awe and said, 'We have seen remarkable things today.' "

Today, and every day, may we be searching for the Remarkable.  May we search for the hand of God acting in our world and be moved to awe and wonder at the Greatness and Power of our God.

5 Months of Silence FINALLY Broken!

In my very first post on this blog, I mentioned the potential for complete lapses in the consistency of blog posts.

This, my friends, can be considered exhibit A.

As summer began, my habits were allllll screwed up, and I fell out of the habit of blogging. Then school started, and I never got back into it. So, I guess a little life update is in order.  Maybe first a more general one, then one more specific on what I've been learning/seeing in life lately.  (I know...possibly 2 posts in one day.  What a way to break a 5 month silence, right?)


Summer was....um...a lot of things.

Boring.  A letdown.  Lacking focus/drive.  Lazy.  Constant setbacks.  Repeated Hospital visits.  2 steps forward, 1 step back.

And yet, at the same time...this summer was one in which I grew more than any other time in my life. And so it's ironic and counter-intuitive, but one of the worst summers of my life was at the very same time one of the best summers of my life. (It's also a little cheesy...but that's okay.)
There's so much more I could say about this, and more I will say.  I've decided that at the end of this year, there is a definite need for a full reflection on the entire year.  2011 has been a long, long journey, with many experiences, many lessons learned, many lessons fought, so much growth, and SO much faithfulness from God...serioustly, so nuts.  I'm excited to spend a good amount of time in the end of December reflecting on everything that has happened altogether.  Hindsight is a good thing, a true gift from God, and I'm still learning lessons from things that happened months ago...blows my mind.

One of my last posts in May was about this super-cool idea to make this summer a creative one, one in which I could take advantage of all this extra spare time I had and create something every day, whether music, poetry, art, food...something.  Yeah...didn't so much happen.  Great in theory, horrible in practice.  Again, my habits were pretty poor this summer. Without anything that really kept me going, reasons to get up in the morning, deadlines, to meet, etc., it took WAY longer than I originally thought to finish the one remaining paper from spring semester...as in I turned it in August 1.  The month of May was a lot of sitting around and doing nothing. Way too much Xbox, that's for sure.  (That's what I mean by poor habits...hah). June I started to make progress on the paper, but then had 2 hope soccer day camps I was able to work. Then had a little more work time, then 1 week of an overnight Hope soccer camp and CAC in July.  Other than that and leading worship at church around once a month...didn't do much in terms of production. Again, hence the lazy/boring summer mentioned above.  Also, the summer lacking creativity.

Health-wise...I had two more surgeries in the summer, and a stretch of 5 days where I was admitted into the hospital to receive care.  Surgery in May to finally extract the hardware from the infected ankle.  (After that surgery, during every wound vac dressing change, I could see my bone.  Kinda gross...but also super cool haha).  Skin graft surgery in the end of June to finally close the wound.  Kinda worked...mostly didn't (mostly due to my lack of resting and waiting for myself to heal).  So, ankle caught another infection (MRSA!  woo hoo!) during CAC week, and I had to leave camp on Friday. Was admitted for the weekend, and waited for test results till Tuesday.  Results were no bone infection, which was huge.  Infection treatment was just oral antibiotics for 2 weeks, easy fix.  And, despite the wound still being open, some of the graft remained, and the wound closed SUPER quickly relative to the crazy-slow process with the wound vac.  By mid August, the wound was closed, and I FINALLY began physical therapy for the ankle.  Now it's mid October, and I'm finishing up PT on the cusp of jogging.  Recovery is a beautiful thing.  (Again, probs gonna be a post that relates to this idea in more detail later. I love metaphors.)  :-)

Now, I'm in my senior year at Hope with a full 16 credits along with all the work from the internship from last year.  Add a few other campus involvements with campus ministries, the Hope Way, etc., and I am one busy senior.  But really, who isn't, right?


That's a life update from May in the simplest form, with purely details and very little reflection.  Now I'm caught up, and now I can hopefully get back into a habit of using this thing to get my thoughts down and reflect on life, worship, God's glory, God's grace, and what it means for us to truly live as disciples of the Living God.
Among other things.  :-)

Hope all of my readers are doing well. To the three or four of you, stay tuned...more to come soon.

Grace and Peace,
Tom

We love a Beautiful God!

A summer of creativity?

So, here's what I'm thinking.

My summer plans got shot down big time.  Not one, but two jobs won't work out.  I'll be spending a good amount of time recovering from surgery or doing lots of physical therapy. I'm still gonna be doing worship planning at Cornerstone, and I'm hoping to be on staff at Christian Athletic Camp this year...7 years as a camper, and this is the first year I'll be able to do that!

Now, those things will take up a decent amount of time, sure.  But...right now, my 9-5 on Monday thru Friday is wide open.  Experience shows that when I don't have a reason to get out of bed in the morning, I don't.  So, the task becomes finding something to do with my time, finding something that will get my bum out of bed...something that will hold me accountable.

Getting a job will be tougher than it already was, being that I will have recovery from a surgery to work around, not to mention I won't be able to be on my feet all day.  There's finding somewhere to volunteer or something like that, but I'm again not sure where exactly I could help out while staying seated.

Beyond working or volunteering, the first thing that comes to mind is letting this be a great summer of slowing down and spending daily time with God...and a lot of it.  Enough time to truly be silent before God daily, to read and grow in scripture, to pray just for the sake of praying, not just because I want something or someone asked me to pray for them.  I'm really looking forward to the potential here.  After I finally finish the semester and get thru surgery on the 16th, I'll start figuring out how I'm gonna actually go about this, keeping myself accountable to it and maintaining the discipline.

But then today, something else came to mind...and it kind of gets me excited.  You see, I don't know if I'll ever have free time like this ever again.  Well, maybe when I retire (if I retire...).  But, I have a pretty cool opportunity with a lot of free time.

What if I committed to doing something creative every day of the summer?  

So often, I've really wished that I could get better at writing poetry, covering awesome songs that I love, maybe writing and playing/singing my own songs...things like that.  And see, the only way you get better at any of those things is by doing them.  Poetry is stressful and frustrating, and I feel clueless...but it's because I have no practice.  What if I practiced it?

So, something creative...not the same thing every day, but just something.  Maybe it's poetry.  Maybe it's writing out a blog entry on here. Maybe it's recording a cover, or recording my own stuff.  Maybe it's just making another funny and stupid video, or a lip sync.  The list could go on.  But...something creative, everyday.

Now, I say every day, but with the nature of summer (and life), I know that weekends might get busy, or I might have other things to do on some days...so, I could set my goal to be 4 days a week. 4 days a week, I want to make something.  I want to create.

We'll see if this can work.  It's definitely just an idea right now, and who knows, I could end up finding a job that works for me and not end up with all this free time.  But, honestly...I'm kinda hoping this could work out...cuz I think this could be really cool.  :-)


Alright...no more procrastination.  Papers won't write themselves.  (But it would be SO cool if they did.)

Tom

Prayer to the Father

Oh God, you are such a good Father.

How patient you are with me, even while I am so impatient with you.

How faithful you are to me, even while I am so unfaithful to you.

Like a loving Father, you want me to be real with you.  You want me to be honest and to not hold back.  You invite me to share everything with you, even my anger, frustration, doubt, and fear.  And as I throw my little hissy fit, you patiently listen and take it.  You let me finish all of my thoughts, let me get through everything I have to say, even while I'm doubting you, upset with you, telling you all the ways you're screwing up, even struggling to have faith in you.

Like a good Father, who looks out for my best interest, who desires to raise me up and help me grow, you don't always respond right away.  You're patient.  Even while I complain, doubt, shout and scream, you wait patiently. You have perfect timing, different than mine...which gives me even more frustration to which I rebel like a sophomore in high school. But, you know what is best for me, more than I do.  And so you wait.

I just can't get over how patient you are with me!  You had every right to slap me silly after a simple breath of anger and frustration.  How dare I question the Almighty God!  How dare I question your plan, your goodness, your presence, your control, your all-consuming love!  You had every right to cut me off right in that moment.  And yet, you didn't.  You patiently waited for me to finish.

And now, you're beginning to answer.

You remind me of the father that you are, who disciplines your children so that they may grow in faith and love, and share in your holiness (Hebrews 12).  You remind me that I may have my plans, but you have your plans, which are SO much better than mine, even if I cannot see where they're going (Proverbs 16:9, 19:21).  You show me examples of where you've disciplined your followers through tough times, and how they have grown through that (Job, Habakkuk).  You remind me that though there is pain, suffering, and weeping in the night, joy comes in the morning (Psalm 30:5).  You remind me that, truly, you do work all things for the good of those who love you, in YOUR time (Romans 8:28).  You remind me that you yourself know what it is to suffer, to feel pain, to surrender control to the circumstances you are in (Good Friday), but then how you claimed victory over that suffering, and are the conquering King of kings (Easter).

Oh God, forgive my doubt, forgive my anger and frustration and complaining.  Forgive me for my hissy fit.  Thank you for being patient with my tantrum, but please forgive me for it.  I'm sorry I ever doubted your presence, your goodness, your compassion, your love, You.

You are a good Father.  You discipline me so that I may grow into your holiness.  You allow brokenness and suffering to happen in my life that I may come out the other side with a stronger faith, hope, and love for you.  You are good, ALL THE TIME.

God, as I continue to walk through a world of suffering, help me to see beyond my immediate circumstances.  Oh God, I do pray that I can be done with infections, broken bones, hospitals, and whatever else very, very soon, if it is in your will.  But, no matter what I do face, will you help me to open my eyes beyond the immediate suffering?  When I only look at the present situation, I doubt you.  Help me to open my eyes in those situations, to truly take joy in trials and tribulations that I face, knowing that you are helping me grow in my trust in you.  Please help me trust in your discipline, knowing that you are working all things for good.

And God, continue to be more patient with me, for you and I both know there will be more hissy fits as I go through trying times.

But, I know you are good, and you are faithful, and you are patient, and you are loving, and you are just, and you are the greatest thing in all existence.

You are a good father.  Thank you for choosing me to be one of your children.

I love you, Abba.